I Reorganized the NBA into 25 Teams Based on the Watersheds of Players’ Birthplaces.
Recently I was bored, and I decided to sort the NBA into new teams based on which watershed they were born in. A couple of caveats beforehand: by “watershed” I generally mean the last freshwater waterway before hitting either the ocean or the endpoint of an endorheic basin, if you take the path that water would travel from a player’s birthplace. Secondly, there are some towns that are built on the border between two watersheds (this is EXTREMELY relevant). If I encountered a town built between two watersheds, I looked up where the local hospital was, and chose the watershed closer to the hospital. If a city was large enough to have multiple hospitals and multiple waterways in the area, I generally chose the most iconic or central waterway for that city. So without further ado, let’s look at the 25 new teams which can field at least a full starting lineup of current NBA players and/or first round draft picks.
There are only 2 teams that are really in contention for this, and they are of course, the two teams that are on either side of Akron Ohio. Team St. Lawrence River, and Team Mississippi River. Team Mississippi River would have run away with this exercise, but unfortunately, the Akron City Hospital is on the North side of town, and therefore falls into the watershed of the St. Lawrence River.
An absolute powerhouse with 123 total players, I landed on the following roster:
PG: Derrick White, Darryn Peterson, De’Aaron Fox
SG: Austin Reaves, Desmond Bane, Jalen Suggs
SF: Jalen Williams, Brandon Miller, Cam Johnson
PF: Jayson Tatum, Chet Holmgren, PJ Washington
C: Anthony Davis, Daniel Gafford, Robert Williams III
Notable players left off: Ayo Dosunmu, Dean Wade, Moses Moody, Keaton Wagler, Morez Johnson, Michael Porter Jr., Matas Buzelis, and many more
And their only real competitors with 67 players of their own:
PG: Stephen Curry, Andrew Nembhard, Shaedon Sharpe
SG: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, Devin Booker, Lu Dort
SF: Lebron James, Dillon Brooks, Andrew Wiggins
PF: Draymond Green, Jalen Johnson, Miles Bridges
C: Zach Edey, Isaiah Stewart, Jayden Quaintance
Notable players left off: NAW, RJ Barrett, Bennedict Mathurin, Tyler Herro, Kon Kneuppel, Darius Acuff, and many more.
Ultimately, these two teams are just a cut above the rest. They were the only two teams to have more than 25 players total, and it shows in the quality of the squad. St. Lawrence is really overloaded at SG and underloaded at C, but the raw star power of that Akron-based starting lineup makes it a pretty close battle for me. Meanwhile Team Mississippi might lack some of the top-end star power, but a more balanced team construction and elite talent from top to bottom puts them in this tier above the rest.
There were 4 other watersheds that were able to put up at least 14 NBA players, and I think all of them have enough squad balance to make it work, but the difference between them and tier 1 really shows in the quality of the bench unit. Those 4 are the Los Angeles River, the Delaware River, the Chattahoochee/Apalachicola River, and the Trinity River, covering the cities of LA, Philly, Atlanta, and Dallas respectively.
PG: Jrue Holiday, Russell Westbrook, KJ Simpson
SG: James Harden, De’Anthony Melton, Brandon Williams
SF: Klay Thompson, Jake LaRavia, Darius Brown II
PF: Kawhi Leonard, Demar Derozan, Quenton Jackson (??)
C: Onyeka Okongwu, Brook Lopez, Johnny Juzang (???)
As you can see, they really ran out of big depth, but the starters and the top 10 in general are still effective enough IMO to make a quality team
PG: Bones Hyland, Collin Gillespie, Kyle Lowry
SG: Donte DiVincenzo, De’Andre Hunter, Tyrese Martin
SF: Mikal Bridges, Justin Edwards, Jamir Watkins
PF: Derrick Jones Jr., Rasheer Fleming, Daeqwon Plowden
C: Jalen Duren, Dereck Lively II
Also a little bit weaker at starting PG and having very little PF/C depth outside of their top 4, this is still a pretty strong team.
PG: Scoot Henderson, Christian Anderson, Isaiah Collier
SG: Anthony Edwards, Collin Sexton, Ben Sheppard
SF: Jaylen Brown, Asa Newell, Sion James
PF: Caleb Wilson, Jabari Smith Jr., Kentavious Caldwell-Pope (?)
C: Walker Kessler, Wendell Carter Jr., Isaac Okoro (??)
Missed out: Will Richard
Another team that doesn’t quite have the PF/C depth, I actually think this starting lineup might be one of the most fun two-way groups in this whole exercise.
PG: Cade Cunningham, Keyonte George, Marcus Sasser
SG: Tyrese Maxey, Anthony Black, Daniss Jenkins
SF: Cason Wallace, Jaylon Tyson, Ja’Kobe Walter
PF: Julius Randle, Zuby Ejiofor, Tre Johnson
C: Myles Turner, Luke Kornet, Drew Timme
Notable players who missed out: Ron Holland, Isaiah Stevens, Marcus Smart, among others
Ok, you got me, I put tre johnson at PF just because I couldn’t bear to leave any of the many SGs off the team. Still though, I think this team really has a solid starting lineup and enough talent off the bench to keep it up there in this tier.
This is a pretty large tier, and this is where I’m putting basically every roster that either doesn’t have a significant positional gap, or has a star that might be able to drag them to relevance despite the positional gap. None of these teams will have the full 15, but all should have 7-10 man rotations.
PG: Josh Hart, Trevor Keels
SG: Jordan Hawkins, Bez Mbeng
SF: Nate Ament, Jeff Green
PF: Kevin Durant, Josh Oduro
C: Luka Garza, Hunter Dickinson
How hard can KD carry? At least he has Josh Hart there to help out a little.
PG: Sharife Cooper, Alex Morales
SG: Dylan Harper
SF: Toby Okani
PF: Dariq Whitehead, Ron Harper Jr.
C: Bam Adebayo
Gonna need Bam to put up quite a few 80 point games.
PG: Ty Jerome, Kevin Huerter
SG: Donovan Mitchell, Koby Brea, Cormac Ryan
SF: Kyle Anderson, Andre Jackson Jr., Jacob Toppin
PF: Sandro Mamukelashvili, Nae’Qwan Tomlin
C: Kyle Filiposki, Mo Bamba
At least they have 12 players and a Jerome/Mitchell backcourt
PG: Rob Dillingham, Seth Curry
SG: Saddiq Bey, Dillon Jones, Javonte Cooke
SF: Patrick Williams, GG Jackson II, CJ Huntley
PF: Collin Murray-Boyles, Noah Clowney
C: Nic Claxton, PJ Hall
A team without a star, but actually a pretty decent roster construction, and solid contributors at almost every position.
PG: Scotty Pippen Jr., Cole Anthony
SG: Payton Pritchard, Stanley Umude
SF: Jerami Grant
PF: Isaiah Hartenstein
C: Domantas Sabonis
Should this team probably have been a tier lower? Yes. Did I overrate it because it has 2 Grizzlies in the starting lineup? Also yes. Are you in any position to complain after reading this far? No.
PG: Nolan Traoré, Noah Penda
SG: Bilal Coulibaly, Sidy Cissoko
SF: Mohamed Diawara, Tidjane Salaün
PF: Victor Wembanyama, Guerschon Yabusele
C: Moussa Diabaté, Maxime Raynaud
Our first of 3 foreign watersheds on the map, this team shares France’s weakness at the PG position, and it’s a matter of how hard Wemby can carry them. One of the stronger teams in this tier though
PG: Luka Dončić, Nikola Topić
SG: Bogdan Bogdanović
SF: Tristan Da Silva
PF: Jusuf Nurkić
C: Nikola Jokić, Jakob Poeltl
The fit on this team is terrible, it has no depth, people are playing out of position. And yet it has 2 of the best players in the world, so how bad can it possibly be?
These teams aren’t very good, but at the very least, they aren’t forcing some poor SG to play center for them.
PG: TyTy Washington Jr., Dalen Terry
SG: Matisse Thybulle, Joshua Jefferson
SF: Julian Strawther, Koa Peat
PF: Oso Igodaro, Orlando Robinson
C: Marvin Bagley III, Zach Collins
Not a good team, but if you squint you can at least see a lineup in there.
PG: Labaron Philon, JD Davison
SG: Herb Jones, Chris Youngblood
SF: Chaney Johnson, Colby Jones
PF: Trendon Watford
C: Drew Eubanks, Trey Jemison
I mean, those are all some players who play basketball professionally!
PG: Quentin Grimes
SG: Jimmy Butler
SF: Jarred Vanderbilt
PF: Grant Williams
C: DeAndre Jordan
Our first team with no bench, I just thought that the fact that all 5 of those players play different enough positions was nothing short of miraculous, so they get up to this tier.
PG: Kingston Flemings
SG: Javonte Green, Wendell Moore Jr.
SF: Keldon Johnson, Dorian Finney-Smith
PF: Tari Eason
C: Mark Williams, Jalen Smith
If Flemings is really good right away, this team could even move up a tier.
These teams have a significant positional weakness, but at least they have some talent on their team to make up for it
PG: Gabe Vincent, AJ Johnson
SG: Jared McCain
SF: Jalen Green
PF: Jaylen Wells,
C: Cedric Coward
Yeah this team is only here because of Grizzlies bias, but to be fair 4⁄5 starters are legit starting caliber players in the league.
PG: Lamelo Ball, Jordan McLaughlin
SG: Brayden Burries, Jahmai Mashack
SF: Jaylen Clark, Elijah Harkless
PF: Jordan Miller, Lonzo Ball
C: Carter Bryant
Can Lamelo make up for the fact that nobody is over 6’8”?
PG: Ja Morant
SG: Chris Paul, Cody Martin
SF: Caleb Martin, Leaky Black
PF: Anthony Gill, Hunter Tyson
C: Zion Williamson
Yes, there really is an NBA player named “Leaky Black”
PG: Trae Young
SG: Alex Caruso
SF: Julian Phillips
PF: Royce O’Neale
C: Kenrich Williams
Really needs Trae to rediscover his old form. At least Caruso is a nice backcourt mate for him.
PG: Sam Merrill
SG: Adou Thiero
SF: John Collins
PF: Cam Boozer
C: Brandon Carlson
Our first and only endorheic basin team (sorry Caspian Sea fans), they actually have the bigs that the rest of the US lacks, surprisingly struggling to put guards on the floor.
PG: Dejounte Murray
SG: Zach Lavine
SF: Kevin Porter Jr.
PF: Gary Payton II
C: Paolo Banchero
This team would have gone crazy like 3 years ago. Alas, something must have cursed the waters near Seattle, almost all of these players have been perceived to have fallen off recently.
These last 2 rivers technically have enough players to legally field a team, but without much star talent, and terrible positional diversity, they remain only technically eligible.
PG: Tre Mann
SG: Anfernee Simons
SF: Grayson Allen
PF: Keon Ellis
C: Blake Hinson
Whatever they’re putting in the water in Forida certainly isn’t developing any PFs or Cs.
PG: Rayan Rupert
SG: Joan Beringer
SF: Yanic Konan Niederhäuser
PF: Maxi Kleber
C: Hannes Steinbach
I mean, it’s a team.
Well, there you have it, those are the 25 watersheds with enough NBA players to fill out a lineup. Let me know what your tier list would look like!
I would like to thank the USGS for their watershed data, BBref for the birthplaces of every player (except Yaxel Lendeborg, who apparently nobody knows the city of his birth), and the folks over at the NBAMocks discord for helping me whittle down the massive Mississippi list to a more manageable lineup.
Done largely by hand with the help of an overly complex and poorly optimized excel sheet that I made. No AI was used in the production of this offseason shitpost. Thank you for your time.