What if every NBA team was named after the best way to watch their games in their home market?
As I’m sure you all know, watching the NBA has become unnecessarily complicated.
Cord-cutting stopped being a “trend” about a decade ago. Plenty of people no longer have cable, streaming has supposedly become the future, and yet the multibillion-dollar web of national television contracts, regional sports networks, local streaming packages and blackout rules has made watching your hometown team incredibly expensive and a hassle.
NBA league P*ss(have to censor to get past sub filters) would be a fantastic solution if it let you watch every NBA game. Unfortunately, it does not. Your local team is blacked out. Nationally televised games are blacked out. In the US, those games may instead be divided among ESPN, ABC, NBC, Peacock, Amazon Prime Video and whatever regional network happens to control your team’s local rights.
Want to watch the Lakers? Better have Spectrum SportsNet.
Want to watch the Knicks? MSG.
Want to watch the Warriors? NBC Sports Bay Area.
The whole thing is a joke, and it is hurting basketball.
Every season, fans have to look up guides explaining where certain games are being shown. Sometimes the game is on cable. Sometimes it is on a local over-the-air station. Sometimes it is on League P*ss, unless you live within 600 miles of the arena. Sometimes you need Peacock. Sometimes you need Prime Video. Sometimes you need an entirely separate subscription created specifically for one regional sports network.
It has gotten to the point where I can’t help but feel the NBA would be better off changing the names of all its teams to reflect the best way to actually watch the fucking games. That way, nobody would need to consult three separate broadcast schedules just to see whether the game is available on the service they already pay hundreds of dollars for.
As such, I decided that this topic required a much deeper analysis.
After many hours of research, I have determined that if every NBA team were named after the best way to watch its games in its home market, the most appropriate names would be as follows:
ATLANTIC DIVISION
Boston Pirates
Brooklyn Pirates
New York Pirates
Philadelphia Pirates
Toronto Pirates
CENTRAL DIVISION
Chicago Pirates
Cleveland Pirates
Detroit Pirates
Indiana Pirates
Milwaukee Pirates
SOUTHEAST DIVISION
Atlanta Pirates
Charlotte Pirates
Miami Pirates
Orlando Pirates
Washington Pirates
NORTHWEST DIVISION
Denver Pirates
Minnesota Pirates
Oklahoma City Pirates
Portland Pirates
Utah Pirates
PACIFIC DIVISION
Golden State Pirates
Los Angeles Pirates
Los Angeles Illegal Streams
Phoenix Pirates
Sacramento Pirates
SOUTHWEST DIVISION
Dallas Pirates
Houston Pirates
Memphis Pirates
New Orleans Pirates
San Antonio Pirates