I did not use AI to write this. It took me a week, on and off. This project began as a lighthearted aggregation of every name on an NBA roster, first or last, that is also an adjective. I found plenty, but I also found a lot of names that I felt should be adjectives. I’ve proposed definitions with example sentences. You’ll notice that my standards were not necessarily consistent throughout. Join me in this adventure, as we collectively await LeDecision.

Atlanta Hawks

Adjective Names

• Buddy Hield (“buddy” is an accepted adjective, as in “a buddy cop movie”)
• Buddy Hield (“healed,” or “heeled.” If you don’t think this should count, buckle up for the rest of the list)
• Christian Koloko

Names I think could be adjectives

• Jock Landale — Rustic: “The castle felt now as it must have all those centuries ago, the cobwebs doing little to diminish the manor’s landale charm”
• Zuby Ejiofor — Buzzing with energy: “The moment the first crack appeared in the pinata, the crowd of kids went zuby with anticipation” (See also: Buzelis)
• Corey Kispert — Relenting: “He’d rehearsed his toast a dozen times, but when the moment came at his brother’s wedding, he only managed a few words before he was overcome with emotion and his voice went kispert. No words could capture their bond.”

Fun Facts

• If Ant ever leaves to go home to Atlanta, I will lose my will to live
• When CJ McCollum was president of the NBPA, he probably felt bad every time he scored on someone, knowing he was depressing their earning potential
• RayJ Dennis was named after his father, Ray, not the other guy. Separately, he was born with a clubfoot and still made the NBA, genuinely insane achievement

Boston Celtics

Adjective Names

• Derrick White

Names I think could be adjectives

• Mike Conley — Quietly polished: “The mediator had been so conley in his delivery that no one realized the entire argument had been defused”
• Payton Pritchard — Energetic, but with a fussy connotation: “The yapping terrier brought a distinctly pritchard intensity to the otherwise peaceful picnic”

Fun Facts

• Neemias (“comforted by Yahweh”) Queta is the first Portuguese player to be drafted to the NBA and win an NBA championship. Another L for Ronaldo
• When Mike Conley was on the Wolves, Anthony Edwards gave him the nickname “Bite Bite.” As Edwards succinctly explained: “His nickname Bite Bite, so I call him Bite Bite.” When asked by Rich Eisen what the nickname actually meant, Conley replied: “You and I have the same question”
• (John) Tonje: Old Norse name associated with Thor, or “Fairy Queen” for women

Brooklyn Nets

Adjective Names

• Mikel Brown Jr. (Brown and Junior are both adjectives, though I’ll omit Juniors in general because there are so many)
• Day’Ron Sharpe (Just let me have this)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Noah Clowney — Chaotic: “The moment it became clear that the fire alarm was not a drill, everyone in the office aside from Dwight went clowney”
• Tyson Etienne — Decadent, lavish: “The restaurant’s velvet furnishings imbued the milieu with a distinctly etienne allure” (Synonym of oubre)

Fun Facts

• Egor Dëmin, when asked how he chose his jersey number, replied: “I chose #8 because one half of 8 is my first letter in my name (¹⁄₂ of 8 looks like E) and the second half is #3, the day I was born in the 3rd month.” Whatever you say man
• Moritz Wagner (Occupational surname, “Wagon Maker”). Also his real name is Victor. Definitely one of the best players in the league named “Victor W.”

Charlotte Hornets

Adjective Names

• Coby White
• Christian Anderson
• Pat Connaughton (as an adjective, “pat” meaning learned or memorized, or unusually apt)
• Dorian Finney-Smith (Pertaining to the ancient Greek region of Doris, or to the Dorians themselves)
• Dorian Finney-Smith (“Finny,” pertaining to fish, or to fins)
• Naz Reid (“Reid” is a Scottish name, from the Gaelic word for “red”)
• Charles Lee, Head Coach (“Lee” describing the non-windward side of a ship)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Kon Knueppel — Tangled, difficult to express: “She’d rehearsed her apology twice in the shower and once more in the car, but the moment her sister answered the door, all the words came out knueppel, half-backwards and twisted up. ‘Here,’ her sister interceded, handing over her mug, ‘come in and start over’”
• Tidjane Salaun — Weathered: “As the old sailor moored his vessel for the final time, he caught a glimpse of his own wizened face in the reflection of a mildewed porthole. He observed where decades of briny sea wind had left his face salaun, cracked with age and carved by adventure. Alas, his one mistress, the sea, had never seemed to mind”

Fun Facts

• Naz Reid
• Pat Connaughton was drafted by Baltimore in the 4th round of the 2014 MLB draft, and he used his \(428,000 signing bonus to found a real estate development company with his dad that now has[ ](https://www.basketballnetwork.net/off-the-court/pat-connaughton-turned-a-428k-mlb-signing-bonus-into-a-500m-real-estate-empire)over \)500M in assets. For reference, he’s made $52.5M in his 11-year NBA career

Chicago Bulls

Adjective Names

• Josh Giddey (“giddy”)
• Norman Powell (“Norman,” of or pertaining to inhabitants of Normandy, or to the Norman-French conquerors of England in 1066; e.g., “things were never the same after the Norman conquest.”)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Nic Claxton — Piercing, as a sound: “The bested warrior fell to his knees, his sword echoing out a claxton din into the silent night as it slipped from his bloodied hands. ‘At last,’ he thought as a trace of gratitude flashed across his face. ‘At long last.’”
• Dailyn Swain — Faded, with a wistful connotation: “He’d dreamt about her again. His therapist assured him that it was a normal part of grief, but she didn’t truly understand. No one did. He now held her photograph in his hands, tears falling and obscuring the already swain visage of the lover that he had lost long ago. All that remained now was the palimpsest of a life to which he could never return.” (he cheated on her so she left for a better guy, he’s narcissistic)
• Matas Buzelis — Frenetic: “Everyone around me at Dave & Buster’s went absolutely buzelis when I set the new high score on Hot Wheels Ultimate Speedway™”

Fun Facts

• There is a common misconception that Guerschon Yabusele dunked on LeBron at the Olympics. This is one of the most widespread instances of the Mandela Effect ever observed. This delusion is often fueled by a supposed video of the event, though all such clips, including the live broadcast, were fabricated using AI
• “The Norman conquest” could lowkey go hard as a nickname for Norm Powell. Or is it giving Emerald City Route Artist, be honest

Cleveland Cavaliers

Adjective Names

• Max Strus (“Max” is an accepted informal iteration of the adjective “Maximum”)
• Ernest Udeh Jr. (“Earnest” and Junior)
• Dennis Schröder (like “shrewder.” This works if you think about it analytically)
• Riley Minix (“Riley” meaning either angry or obscured. I’ll also claim “mini” here, why not)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Sam Merrill — Homely, cozy: “The quaint inn made for a wonderfully merrill stay, offering just the reprieve that the weary traveler needed”
• Evan Mobley — Loose, unsecured: “Watch your footing near the steps! The gravel is particularly mobley after it rains,” or “The Captain of the Obra Dinn commanded his crew to fasten down any mobley crates before the storm arrived”
• Meleek Thomas — Smooth, luxurious: “She dons the mink coat and turns to face herself in the mirror, adjusting it all the while and pausing only to appreciate its exquisitely meleek surface. ‘So, how many minks are in this thing?’ she ponders aloud. The shopkeepers pretend not to hear”

Fun Facts

• James Harden’s last name is a reference to the normal-type move that boosts your defense stat by one level. However, if you are playing one of the Gen VII games, you can use Normalium Z to upgrade it to Z-Harden, boosting the defense stat by an additional level. It remains a mystery why his defense has not improved despite Hardening for years

Dallas Mavericks

Adjective Names

• Max Christie (see: Max Strus)
• Dereck Lively II
• Santi Aldama (Italian word for holy or saintlike, with plural male agreement)
• Tobi Lawal (Yoruba adjective tóbi, meaning “big”)
• Jett Howard (“Jet” is a recognized adjective, describing a jet black color)
• Dusty May, Head Coach

Names I think could be adjectives

• Daniel Gafford — Quaint: “Though their campaign strategy was limited to a humble combination of lawn signs, tabling, and door-knocking, their gafford approach was successful in building a grassroots movement”
• Kyrie Irving — Implying hushed wonder: “The intrepid hikers reached the edge of the lake just before daybreak, the eerily still water shrouded in a layer of mist; the whole environs was enveloped in a kyrie silence, broken finally by a distant howl”
• Kyrie Irving — Antiquated: “Simon arrived at the Mt. Holly Estate with a healthy skepticism over the stipulations in his great uncle’s will. Even so, he was overcome with wonder at the sight of the manor’s irving grandeur”

Fun Facts

• When Kyrie was in Boston (very low point in his personal life), he became known for endorsing the flat earth theory. He discovered this theory by going down a youtube rabbit hole with his close personal friend, Alex Jones. Unbelievably, this is not the Alex Jones from Infowars, just a portentous coincidence
• Jett Howard was coached by his dad, Juwan Howard, at Michigan. Dusty May took over and won a championship this year, ironically beating Howard University in the first round. Now Dusty coaches Jett on the Mavs, along with Morez Johnson Jr., who was on Dusty’s NCAA champ team. Juwan himself had played for the Mavs. Also Jett is second cousins with Jaden McDaniels, but that’s not related

Denver Nuggets

Adjective Names

• Christian Braun
• Christian Braun (Pronounced like “brown;” also translates to brown in German)
• David Roddy (“Roddy” is a now-obsolete adjective that used to mean “full of rods.” It seems to have fallen out of use in 1611. I can’t read more because the OED has bafflingly put up a paywall. What are they hiding? What don’t they want us to know?)
• Julian Strawther (Relating to Julius Caesar, as with “the Julian calendar”)
• Jamal Murray (“Murrey” was an archaic British adjective meaning mulberry-colored. Or ‘coloured,’ I should say)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Marvin Bagley III — Laden: “The old bookshelf had begun to sag in the middle, weighed down by the attorney’s full set of bagley periodicals and old textbooks”
• Jalen Pickett — Neatly-bound: “She divided the project into separate teams and restricted access to the underlying files, creating such a pickett structure that even minor decisions required three sets of approvals”

Fun Facts

• Denver has both a Holmes and a Watson (DaRon Holmes II, Peyton Watson for now). They also have the Joker and Commissioner (Aaron) Gordon, which is why it all fell apart when they let Bruce (Brown) walk after their championship
• There are a few adjectives among the Nuggets’ retired jerseys, including Alex English and Fat Lever. We got a Fat Lever jersey retirement, but not Carmelo, damn
• In 2024, the Nuggets conceded the biggest ever Game 7 comeback in NBA history, allowing the Timberwolves to overcome a 20-point second half deficit

Detroit Pistons

Adjective Names

• Javonte Green
• Taurean Prince (Belonging or relating to the zodiac sign, Taurus)
• Wendell Moore Jr. (“More” and Junior)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Elijah Harkless — Feeble, easily-overlooked: “His attempts to sound intimidating while playing Call of Duty were immediately rendered harkless by the sound of his mother calling him for pizza bites downstairs”
• Jalen Duren — Resilient: “Thanks to the engineer’s innovative design, the town’s small bridge proved surprisingly duren through years of harsh winters”

Fun Facts

• Ausar Thompson’s actual middle name is XLNC, pronounced “Excellency.” Same with his brother
• I am convinced that J.B. Bickerstaff is on an egocentric mission to collect fellow J-names. It would explain their acquisitions of John Collins and Isaiah Joe this year, Javonte Green and Isaac Jones last year, and others including Daniss Jenkins a couple years ago. Also probably the reason they’ve been unwilling to deal Jalen Duren

Golden State Warriors

Adjective Names

• Draymond Green
• Moses Moody

Names I think could be adjectives

• De’Anthony Melton — Soft, dulcet: “Upon seeing the child burst into tears, the teacher took on a melton tone to offer reassurance”
• Charles Bassey — Unexpectedly substantial, or serious: “Despite its innocuous premise and seemingly playful storytelling, the parable’s bassey undertone suggested a deeper meaning”

Fun Facts

• “Podziemski” stems from the Polish “podziemny,” meaning “underground.” This is perhaps a reference to Podziemski burying his public image after saying he wanted to be better than Steph Curry
• There are an estimated 55 people in the U.S. named Draymond, with an average age of 7 years old. The peak year for the name Draymond was 2017, when 12 Draymonds were born. I hope they’re doing well, wherever they are

Houston Rockets

Adjective Names

• Marcus Smart
• Kevin Durant (“Durant” is a British English adjective meaning “ongoing;” there’s also an Old French definition meaning “enduring”)
• Tari Eason (French adjective meaning dried-up, or drained. So like, the opposite of Durant lol)
• Quadir Copeland (from the Arabic Qadir, meaning powerful)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Clint Capela — Brusque: “After briefly allowing the prosecutor to hem and haw over the missed filing deadline, she swiftly issued a clint denial and granted the 12(b)(6) motion to dismiss”
• Isaiah Crawford — Seasoned, with a distinguished connotation: “He lightly grazed the cover of the First Edition Easton Press printing of Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women, still in awe that it was his to own. He admired the gilded edges adorning the archival paper, the hubbard spine and leather binding only further accentuating its crawford beauty. Then he woke up and went to finish his post about NBA player names that are similar to adjectives”
• Tari Eason — Gentle: “As the last swan disappeared beyond the reeds, it was no time at all before the lake settled into glass with an eason tranquility that even the insects seemed determined not to disturb”

Fun Facts

• Fred VanVleet famously used the magic of dad strength to help propel the 2019 Raptors to a title, a superpower that even Giannis acknowledged: “‘Look at Fred VanVleet,’ Antetokounmpo said. ‘He started making all those shots when he had his kid. Maybe that happens to me also. Who knows?’” On an unrelated note, Anthony Edwards’ PPG has gone up every year he has been in the league
• The metric unit used to measure the force required to sustain rocket propulsion (thrust) is a “Newton.” Not quite sure how the addition of Tristen Newton to the Rockets didn’t get them off the ground

Indiana Pacers

Adjective Names

• Kobe Brown
• Obi Toppin (“Topping” is a fairly obscure adjective indicating a high rank, but can also imply pride or arrogance)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Jay Huff — Implying irritation: “Fed up with the unfounded accusations, he muttered a huff denial through gritted teeth”
• Jalen Slawson — Slow, dragging: “The line at the DMV crept forward at a stubbornly slawson pace. How is it that I complete everything in five minutes when it’s my turn, yet everyone else seems to take an hour?”
• Kelly Oubre — Synonym of etienne (see: Tyson Etienne)
• Andrew Nembhard — Stubborn: “No matter how much the group argued with her, she remained nembhard in her conviction that cereal is a soup”

Fun Facts

• Some believe that the U.S. intelligence community actually knew in advance that the Pacers would beat the Knicks in the 2025 Eastern Conference Finals, but for whatever reason, they chose not to intervene. This led to one of the greatest ever upsets on American soil
• Johnny Furphy’s last name is an actual word, it’s Australian slang for a dubious or unsubstantiated rumor

Los Angeles Clippers

Adjective Names

• Kris Dunn (“Dun” describes a dullish color)
• Kawhi Leonard, for now (“Kawaii,” evocative of the kawaii aesthetic)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Keaton Wagler — Implying an old-school charm: “The hidden library built into the home’s keaton interior betrayed its owner’s eccentricity”
• Darius Garland — Authoritative: “The barracks fell into a hushed silence as the commander’s darius voice filled the room”

Fun Facts

• Keaton Wagler was born in 2007, jesus christ I feel old
• Kobe Sanders wasn’t named after Kobe Bryant. His parents named him after Kobe Japanese Steak House near Palm Springs, California
• Yanic Niederhäuser’s father gave him the middle name Konan, inspired by Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Conan the Barbarian

Los Angeles Lakers

Adjective Names

• Jaden Hardy
• Kevon Looney (“Loony”)
• Bronny James (homophone of “Brawny,” yes I’m starting to give up on having standards for this list)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Dalton Knecht — Worn by use: “After years of toiling on the docks, the worker noticed that his boots had developed a dalton sheen, a testament in its own right to his years of hard work”
• Adou Thiero — Soft-spoken/unassuming: “The man’s outwardly adou demeanor belied his fierce spirit”
• Bronny James — Reinforced, so as to withstand impact: “The lifeboat’s bronny frame held firm as the waves crashed mercilessly”

Fun facts

• Kevon Looney has a brother named Kevin Looney. I have no reason to believe that their parents played favorites, except that their father’s name is also Kevin Looney. You can read more about it on Kevon Looney’s IMDb page, which is real
• The Lakers have two guys who went to Vanderbilt (Chris Mañon, AK Okereke), and also have Jarred Vanderbilt. This makes them the most Vanderbilt-dominant team in the league
• AK Okereke is the only player in the NBA whose listed first name is fully contained, sequentially, inside the name of their team: “Los Angeles L[AK]ers”

Memphis Grizzlies

Adjective Names

• Javon Small
• Karim Lopez (Arabic word meaning kind, generous)
• Cedric Coward (Recognized as an adjective as well)
• Olivier-Maxence Prosper (Latin, meaning “fortunate”)
• Jerami Grant (Old French adjective meaning “great,” or “large”)
• Cam Spencer (Can mean crooked or bent, in Gaelic. It can also mean one-eyed)
• Kris Murray (see: Jamal Murray)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Kentavious Caldwell-Pope — Archaic synonym of “kent” (see: Jayson Kent)
• Kentavious Caldwell-Pope — Steady: “Although the anatomy proved trickier than the scans had suggested, Dr. Shepherd’s unflappably caldwell demeanor steadied the entire OR, ensuring that the patient’s plot armor remained intact. Meredith looked on, tortured by something or other”
• Zach Edey — Immovable: “Though plenty of surveyors sought to remove the great oak, the municipality’s decision to grant the tree legal personhood ensured it remained as edey and entrenched as ever”

Fun Facts

• When UVA won the NCAA championship in 2019, Ty Jerome dropped 16 points and a game-high 8 assists. It’s crazy to think that by definition, TyTy (Washington Jr.) is exactly twice as good as him
• When Scotty Pippen Jr. dropped a career-high 30 point double-double against the Bulls at the United Center two years ago, some on social media applauded his effort as a form of revenge for Scotty Sr.’s notoriously undervalued contract from his Bulls days. But when I pull a Chicago Sunroof on my dad’s work rival, suddenly I’m the bad guy?

Miami Heat

Adjective Names

• Jahmir Young
• Vladislav Goldin (“golden”)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Davion Mitchell — Debonair, comely: “Gatsby stood on the docks most nights, lamenting his flower that had never bloomed. Even so, when a stranger caught his eye, he’d straighten, preen himself, and offer the same davion smile. His longing belonged to him, and him alone”
• Bobby Portis — Cheery: “Mismatched mugs, a handwritten menu, and eclectic furniture; it all came together to give the cafe a pleasantly bobby warmth. That’s how he knew he was about to pay $8.50 for a latte”
• Myron Gardner — Ornate, in an old-fashioned sense: “The letter had been folded so many times that its creases had gone soft, yet the careful calligraphy penned in his grandfather’s myron handwriting felt no less vibrant than the man himself”

Fun Facts

• “Adebayo” appears to be a Yoruba name meaning “the crown meets joy,” while Antetokounmpo means “The crown that returns from overseas,” these mfers are building a royal dynasty in front of our eyes and we’re letting it happen. If they add The King, it’s all over
• My dad said he visited Miami a couple years ago and got so frustrated looking for a place to park that he settled for the cheapest paid parking he could find, which was $60

Milwaukee Bucks

Adjective Names

• AJ Green
• Caris LeVert (“vert” meaning “green” in French)
• Malique Lewis (“acide malique” is the French translation of malic acid, which is a dicarboxylic acid responsible for the sour taste in some fruits)
• Kel’el Ware (“Ware” is an accepted adjective meaning conscious or aware; or vigilant, more archaically)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Cormac Ryan — Rugged: “Cooper emerged from his family home, its faded walls rendered cormac by decades of advancing dust storms. He couldn’t help but look to the stars as he envisioned a better life for Murph”
• Pete Nance — Delicate in appearance: “Looking now at the frail wooden chair that had been in his family for generations, it was difficult to believe that its slender, nance frame had held up all these years” (For antonym, see: bronny)

Fun Facts

• Milwaukee’s approach to rebuilding appears to involve hoarding Juniors (Jaime Jaquez Jr., Kevin Porter Jr., and Gary Trent Jr.), presumably operating on the belief that this means they are young. They are now tied for the most Juniors of any team in the league
• Jericho Sims: Pretty rough for a center to be named after a city primarily known for its defense crumbling and its walls falling over

Minnesota Timberwolves

Adjective Names

• Josh Green
• Julian Phillips (see: Julian Strawther)
• Bones Hyland (“Highland,” relating to a highland, or to the Scottish Highlands )

Names I think could be adjectives

• Rocco Zikarsky — Stout: “Although she knew little about the subject of the gallery’s new exhibition, she knew at once from the sculpture’s squared shoulders and rocco proportions that this must have been a man of authority”
• Zyon Pullin — Fierce: “The tiger lowered its head, flattened its ears, and fixed the handler with a zyon stare that made a few skittish spectators fear the worst”
• Joan Beringer — Icy, unyielding: “The detective leaned in closer, his eyes now level with the suspect. The suspect had not relented one ounce, meeting every insinuation with the same placid silence, his beringer expression holding firm”

Fun Facts

• Wolves back
• Goose from the original Top Gun was played by Anthony Edwards
• It was revealed to me in a dream that the Shams tweet about LeBron’s supposed top three landing spots was an elaborate ruse designed to create more lucrative payouts on Kalshi once he inevitably realizes that the dark horse Timberwolves present the best basketball fit, along with an opportunity to win with the losingest team in NBA history, cementing his legacy like Brady winning in Tampa Bay without Belichick

New Orleans Pelicans

Adjective Names

• Saddiq Bey (Arabic name meaning “truthful,” or “sincere”)
• Saddiq Bey (“Bay” meaning reddish-brown)
• Yves Missi (From the Latin adjective “missus,” meaning “sent,” or “dispatched.” With the right agreement, it becomes “missi,” as with: “pueri puellaeque in tectum missi sunt,” meaning “the boys and girls were sent into the house/dwelling”)
• Dejounte Murray (see: Jamal Murray)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Zion Williamson — Alt. spelling of “zyon” (see: Zyon Pullin)
• Jamahl Mosley, Head Coach — Run down: “Don led Sally out of the car and up to the dusty, dilapidated house. Sally scanned the property, overrun with litter and seemingly abandoned, squinting to discern the significance of the mosley shack before her. ‘This is where I grew up,’ he offered. She was struck with a feeling akin to sympathy” 
• Micah Peavy — Finicky: “He refused to start the pickup game until the teams had been balanced by height, shooting ability, and an intangible factor he called ‘defensive seriousness.’ While he worked with a peavy fervor to draft up the two teams in his notes app, others began to mull over excuses to bail”

Fun Facts

• Physicists theorize that Zion Williamson perpetually exists in a suspended state of quantum superposition between “Golden Corral regular” and “best shape of his life”
• The Pelicans have one of the most Biblical teams in the league. Headlined by God Shammgod, now an assistant coach with the Pels, their divine kingdom comprises Mount Zion (Williamson), Micah (Peavy), Jeremiah (Fears), and three separate Jordans (DeAndre, Hawkins, and Poole). Also St. Yves (Missi) of Brittany was considered the patron saint of lawyers. He must’ve been fun at parties
• It is DeAndre Jordan’s birthday on the date of this post’s publishing

New York Knicks

Adjective Names

• Mike Brown, Head Coach
• OG Anunoby (Its slang usage is rightly considered adjectival)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Landry Shamet — Dull by overuse: “By the third retelling, the story had gone shamet”
• Trey Jemison III — Having an enduring quality: “After all these years, the lighthouse remained jemison against the crashing waves”

Fun Facts

• Jalen Brunson: According to one source, the Brunson lineage has a motto—Fax mentis incendium gloriae, or “the torch of the mind is the light of/to glory.” This Latin phrase is included as part of the mumbo jumbo legalese that Gene Wilder’s Wonka recites to void Charlie Bucket’s claim to a lifetime supply of chocolate. I personally don’t blame Charlie and Grandpa Joe for not knowing the common law principle that contracts with minors are generally voidable. While it was once perhaps the intent of such laws to safeguard children from entering into predatory arrangements with commercial operators bargaining asymmetrically against under-resourced children, this was yet another instantiation of the ability of the wealthy, land-owning class to weaponize ostensibly neutral laws against working class families lacking the means or legal sophistication to protect themselves. It harkens back to Grandpa Joe’s grim proclamation at the time of the contract’s signing: “Sign away, Charlie; we’ve got nothing to lose.” Wonka’s coup de grace comes when he turns the tables on Charlie and his grandfather, admonishing them for the theft of the Fizzy Lifting Drink and characterizing Charlie bumping into the ceiling as violative of the terms of their sham agreement. And it is no consolation that Wonka changes his tune once Charlie returns the everlasting gobstopper. It is an insulting reminder that all dealings are conducted on the terms of the powerful. “Don’t forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted … he lived happily ever after.” Makes me sick to my stomach.
• OG Anunoby: Full first name is Ogugua, an Igbo name associated with peace

Oklahoma City Thunder

Adjective Names

• Ajay Mitchell (In Sanskrit, the name अजय (Ajay) means unconquerable, or invincible)
• Josh Dix (Probably my biggest stretch. “Dix” translates to “ten” in French. However, numbers generally don’t fit neatly into conventional lexical buckets like nouns and adjectives, and are better conceptualized as a standalone specie, “numerals.” Unlike most nouns, numbers are definite and can’t be modified by adjectives, and unlike most adjectives, they can’t be graded or otherwise modified by adverbs. But in French, numbers can find themselves in strange situations. For instance, if a waiter asks how many people are joining for dinner, you’d say “there are 4 of us.” But in French, it is syntactically valid to say “we are 4.” Or consider “Louie XVI;” while it literally conveys “Louie Sixteen,” we understand it to mean “Louis the Sixteenth,” where the inclusion of the numeral has meaningfully modified the noun. In this way, “Dix” can be treated as a cardinal numeral adjective, as in “Charles X.”)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Shai Gilgeous-Alexander — Visually striking: “Long after his classmates had moved on  to other exhibits, the young boy at the aquarium remained transfixed by the jellyfish, gliding through the water with a gilgeous grace, illuminated by the dim light of the enclosure”
• Kenrich Williams — Abundant: “The family’s orchard yielded more apples than they could have possibly hoped to sell or preserve, a kenrich harvest they could have scarcely imagined when they took over the barren farm”

Fun Facts

• (Alex) Caruso has an Italian origin meaning “close-cropped hair,” suggesting a degree of nominative determinism at play
• Chet Holmgren’s father notoriously recorded all of Chet’s games with a handheld camcorder, including his televised games at Gonzaga. This is a reference to the fact that associating with Minnehaha Academy makes you a little insufferable 

Orlando Magic

Adjective Names

• Anthony Black
• Alex Morales (I found a Cambridge definition indicating that the Spanish word for the adjective “moral” can be made to agree as “morales,” as in “Ella admira los valores morales de su hermana”) (happy to be corrected)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Sean Sweeney, Head Coach — Unbothered: “Walt strolled past Tuco’s crew with such a sweeney confidence that no one suspected for even a moment that his pockets were loaded with mercury fulminate”
• Wendell Carter Jr. — Unhurried: “The day he chose to propose was no different than any other. He resolved to pop the question after a perfect day at home together, and they celebrated with a stroll through the park, to the surprise of none of their friends; the childhood sweethearts had always moved at their own wendell pace, seemingly insulated from the world’s ills”

Fun Facts

• The Magic roster has almost an entire medieval town’s worth of laborers: Castleton (“Castle Town”) sets the scene with da Silva (“of the woods”). Franz Wagner (Wagon-maker) can make wagons for the two Carter’s (Transporters of goods; Wendell and Javon). It would all be financed through Banchero (“banker”), with 7th century Anglo-Saxon king (Noah) Penda at the helm
• Jalen Suggs is a second cousin of legendary NFL linebacker Terrell Suggs. This past season, Suggs passed fellow Minnesota-born Whitey Skoog (Minneapolis Lakers, 1951–57) in total career points
• Wow look at me I’m Tristan da Silva I’m a 6’8” Brazilian adonis built like a greek god with a divine complexion and I perform classical music and speak three languages stfu

Philadelphia 76ers

Adjective Names

• Jaylen Brown
• Adem Bona (Bona is a literal translation of “good,” from Latin. As in, *bona fide*—“in good faith”)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Dalen Terry — Pleasantly unremarkable: “The terry breeze underscored the tranquility of the lazy afternoon”
• Dominick Barlow — Booming, resonant: “The opera singer launched into the next refrain, his barlow voice projecting majestically to the upper balcony”

Fun Facts

• The 76ers have two players named after titles: Duke (Miles) and Dean (Wade)
• The Sixers aren’t the only team with two matching Ty- names (Tyrese Martin, Tyrese Maxey). The Knicks have two of their own (Tyler Kolek, Tyler Nickel)
• Trendon Watford’s last name is a combination of the 9th century Norse-Viking word “vao,” meaning a ford, and the English form of the same word, “forda.” In other words, his name is Trendon FordFord

Phoenix Suns

Adjective Names

• Jalen Green
• Ryan Dunn (see: Kris Dunn)
• Pat Spencer (see: Pat Connaughton)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Rasheer Fleming — Functional, albeit not flashy: “He loved his car, a fleming set of wheels no doubt, but charming nevertheless”
• Jamaree Bouyea — Excessively exuberant: “His bouyea entrance turned the heads of everyone in the ballroom, stunning all but those familiar with his usual theatrics”

Fun Facts

• Lots of outdoors-y sounding names on this roster. Green, Bridges, Brooks, Peat, Haywood. Koa is a type of Hawaiian tree, and even Brea is evocative of the La Brea tar pits. Also Kennard sounds like “canard,” which is “duck” in French. That’s all I’ve got for now, just spitballing here
• Oso Ighodaro’s full first name is Osasere. He shortened it to Oso, meaning “bear” in Spanish, as a subtle nod to Michael Johnston’s performance in Obsession

Portland Trail Blazers

Adjective Names

• Shaedon Sharpe (see: Day’Ron Sharpe)
• Chris Youngblood (As an adjective, meaning youthful, or fresh)
• Donovan Clingan (Pronounced like clingin’; short for “clinging”)
• Jrue Holiday (As an adjective, meaning suited to festivity)
• Vit Krejci (Swedish for “white”)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Jayson Kent — Respected: “Despite decades of outstanding legal work and countless contributions to the New Mexico bar, Chuck took little solace in being remembered as a kent figure by his peers in the Albuquerque legal community”
• Damian Lillard — Bucolic: “Beyond the last row of houses, the road narrowed between pastures littered with wildflowers, gradually opening into a lillard landscape of low hills, weathered barns, and the occasional peal of a distant church bell”

Fun Facts

• Portland has a player they traded away (Damian Lillard), the player they got for him (Jrue Holiday), and also the player they got for flipping him (Robert Williams III)
• Portland has a perfect staircase of 7-foot centers: 7’0” Branden Carlsen; 7’1” Yang Hansen; and 7’2” Donovan Clingan. They are also all champions. Carlsen is an NBA champ (Thunder, 2024); Clingan is a two-time NCAA champ (UConn, 2023, 2024); and Yang Hansen as a kid (Qingdao Eagles U17, 2021, 2022)

Sacramento Kings

Adjective Names

• Precious Achiuwa
• Emanuel Sharp

Names I think could be adjectives

• Nique Clifford — Sleek, understated: “The car company’s latest redesign offers a nique, sporty silhouette to go with top of the line safety features”
• Zach LaVine — Graceful: “The ivy climbing the face of the house made for an undeniably lavine facade”
• Daeqwon Plowden — Over-baked, as a piece of writing: “By the time the editors completed their third round of inclusions, the manuscript had become thoroughly plowden”

Fun Facts

• Is anyone reading these lmao

San Antonio Spurs

Adjective Names

• Maliq Brown
• Maliq Brown (see: Malique Lewis)
• Julian Champagnie (see: Julian Strawther)
• Victor Wembanyama (Recognized as an adjective, meaning “victorious”)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Devin Vassell — Hollow: “Tom mirrored the language of every executive around him, shameless in flattering his superiors and unfailingly willing to praise whichever proposal had been delivered most recently. Still, by the time the dust had settled on the search for a new head of Waystar, his vassell platitudes had taken him farther than he could have ever imagined”
• Keldon Johnson — Dependable: “Mike truly didn’t mind building a new playground for the church. Still, as he demonstrated his technique for adding texture to the walkway, Anita was grateful to have such a reliably keldon figure to look after Kaylee and the other children”

Fun Facts

• In my opinion, Wemby is not fair. Both teams in every game should be allowed to have him for one half, each. Coin toss winner picks which half. He is no longer eligible for season-long awards
• Wemby shared that his first purchase on his rookie contract was the Lego Star Wars UCS Millenium Falcon. This is a reference to the fact that a certain Lego reselling franchise stole hundreds of rare and retired Lego Star Wars sets and minifigures comprising the lifelong collection of an 83-year old man hoping to liquidate his collection on consignment to pay for his grandchildren’s college expenses. When confronted, that certain franchise lied repeatedly at every stage, antagonized anyone seeking the truth and fabricated accusations in return, shuttered one of their locations to avoid paying out a judgment against them, and have now weaponized their police connections to terrorize the folks trying to make the old man’s family whole again. Look up Reckless Ben to learn more. To be clear, I don’t know any of these people personally

LeBronto Raptors

Adjective Names

• Immanuel Quickley (just let it slide okay)
• Gradey Dick (Quite a stretch, but in the phrase “a dick move,” I think it’s fair to say that the word “dick” is modifying the noun “move,” and is sufficiently descriptive. Though realistically, it’s probably more accurate to say it’s acting as an attributive noun, but still)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Chucky Hepburn — Unkempt yet elegant: “The dusty bookshop had a hepburn charm; books piled high, yet everything sat in its rightful place”
• RJ Barrett — Stoic, unyielding: “The soldier’s barrett expression concealed the fear in his heart.”
• Jamal Shead — Barren, bereft: “After the farmer’s failed harvest, the fields lay shead beneath the unforgiving sky”

Fun Facts

• The Raptors have both a Battle (Jamison) and a Bittle (Nate). This begs the question, where are Bettle, Bottle, and Buttle? And sometimes Byttle? Apparently the Jets once had a linebacker named Greg Buttle, and the Nets once hired Dr. Jeremy Bettle as their Head Strength and Conditioning Coach. I’ll leave Bottle and Byttle as an exercise for the reader

Utah Jazz

Adjective Names

• Ace Bailey (Meaning high-quality, or asexual)
• Mo Bamba (Mo’, like “more”)
• Mo Bamba (“Bamba” in Portuguese means brave, or courageous)
• Blake Hinson (Old English adjective meaning bright, or shining)
• Will Hardy, Head Coach

Names I think could be adjectives

• Brice Sensabaugh — Sharp: “Django and Dr. Schultz set off towards the mountains, their steeds carrying them headlong towards vindication and rightful vengeance. A stiff, brice gust of winter air tore through the valley, but it was no match for the memory of Broomhilda’s warmth”
• Isaiah Collier — Patchwork: “He walked into her apartment for the first time, his eyes taking in the eclectic mix: Moroccan rugs, Danish furniture, paintings from street vendors and lamps of all shapes. Altogether, he found the collier composition quite charming”
• Jusuf Nurkic — Hearty: “When the heroes returned from a day of adventuring and conquest, the innkeeper greeted them with a nurkic spread of porridge and eggs”

Fun Facts

• The Jazz need to complete their 1-2-3 grouping of Ace (Bailey) and Trey (Alexander) by trading for Deuce McBride
• Bez Mbeng was probably the most onomatopoeic name I encountered in this project

Washington Wizards

Adjective Names

• Trae Young
• Felix Okpara (Latin for “happy”)
• Sharife Cooper (“Sharif” in Arabic means noble, or honorable)
• Julian Reese (see: Julian Strawther)
• Will Riley (see: Riley Minix)
• Cam Whitmore (see: Cam Spencer)

Names I think could be adjectives

• Bub Carrington — Fledgling: “Even when faced with a desolate and dying world, WALL-E found himself overcome with hope and inspiration upon discovering the bub little sapling amid the barren wasteland”
• Cam Whitmore — Worn, faded: “Although the quilt sewn by her grandmother had long ago gone whitmore, no other blanket could have felt warmer”

Fun Facts

• Shame that Young and Middleton never got to play with Olden Polynice, Supersonics legend
• From 1961–62, the team that would one day become the Washington Wizards was called the Chicago Packers. I can’t begin to imagine the cognitive dissonance our r/NFCNorthMemeWar ancestors must have experienced
• The 1988–89 Bullets team had two players named Charles Jones. Both Charles Joneses averaged exactly 2.6 PPG that year. These are the guys that Jordan was playing against lmao. In fact, Jordan literally lost to that very Bullets team. In that game, Charles Jones, steady as a rock, had 2 points. The other Charles Jones had one rebound in 6 minutes off the bench.

Inshallah LeDecision will come soon