Thunder: They almost won again last year and still have Shai, Chet, Jalen Williams and the deepest supply of young talent in the league. The championship path is basically just staying healthy and getting slightly better production from the role players replacing Lu Dort, Isaiah Joe and Aaron Wiggins. SGA remains SGA, Chet keeps improving and JDub has a better postseason. They beat San Antonio in the rematch WCF and the 76ers in the finals to win their second title in three years. Sam Presti celebrates by trading the Larry’O Brien trophy for four unprotected first-round picks. The streak of new champions is broken to the tears of r/nba.

Spurs: Wemby is already good enough to be the best player on a champion, which seems unfair considering he still looks like he should be asking his parents for permission to attend away games. De’Aaron Fox gives San Antonio another creator, Stephon Castle keeps developing and the supporting cast shoots well enough that teams cannot simply surround Wemby with five defenders. The Spurs return to the Finals and this time Wemby averages something stupid like 34 points, 15 rebounds and five blocks. Humanity had a good run, guys.

Knicks: They just won the championship, and they decide to do it again. Brunson continues to dominate 4th quarters on his way to his 2nd CPOY. Towns spaces the floor, OG and Bridges defend everyone and Josh Hart collects rebounds that should physically belong to much taller people. The Knicks repeat, Brunson wins another Finals MVP and New York spends the next eight months arguing about whether he has already passed Patrick Ewing.

Celtics: Tatum returns to prime Tatum, Paul George stays healthy, which is the less believable half of that sentence, and Boston has another elite two-way team. Derrick White remains the league’s most terrifying normal-looking person. Mitchell Robinson gives them size inside and Payton Pritchard hits six threes in at least one playoff game that ruins somebody’s summer. Boston wins the title after beating Jaylen Brown and Philadelphia in a seven-game series so toxic it forces ESPN to shut down for a week.

76ers: Embiid is healthy in May. That’s all. Maxey and Jaylen Brown give Philadelphia enough perimeter creation that Embiid no longer has to generate every important basket while playing through three separate lower-body injuries. VJ Edgecombe takes a leap. They beat Boston in 7, with Jaylen Brown pointing to Brad Stevens as he hits the dagger 3, beat New York and win the championship. The parade causes structural damage to every light pole within 30 miles.

Raptors: The Kawhi trade actually goes through, and Kawhi is healthy when the games matter. Scottie Barnes does everything, Quickley provides shooting and Kawhi calmly murders three Eastern Conference contenders. Kawhi eliminates Philadelphia with another bouncing Game 7 jumper, beats New York and wins the Finals. He averages 31 points in the series and reacts to his third championship by saying, “It was fun.” He leaves the parade halfway through without telling anyone where he is going.

Nuggets: Nikola Jokić is still on the team, so Denver is still capable of winning the championship. Murray plays like playoff Murray, Aaron Gordon stays healthy and the Nuggets find a way to survive the minutes when Jokić sits down. Jokić wins Finals MVP and immediately leaves the celebration to watch a horse race.

Heat: Giannis and Bam already give Miami the most physically exhausting frontcourt in the league. Then LeBron decides he wants to finish his career where he won his first championships. Giannis handles the regular-season destruction, Bam handles the defense and LeBron saves his legs for the fourth quarter. The spacing is sometimes disgusting, but Spoelstra creates a lineup that works through pure dark magic. Wiggins shoots 45% from 3 due to the same zombie magic in the playoffs. Miami holds teams to 88 points and scores 91. LeBron wins his fifth championship, Before the parade, Pat Riley informs LeBron that he must lose four pounds.

Wolves: LaMelo stays healthy and decides he would rather create shots for Anthony Edwards than take a 31-foot pull-up with 19 seconds left on the clock. Edwards becomes a full MVP-level player, Gobert anchors the defense and Minnesota’s collection of long wings covers for LaMelo’s questionable defense. The Wolves win the title. LaVar Ball claims he taught Anthony Edwards how to play basketball.

Pistons: Cade Cunningham becomes a genuine MVP candidate, Ausar Thompson learns to shoot just well enough that teams must guard him and Jalen Duren avoids getting into foul trouble every nine minutes. Detroit already proved it can dominate the regular season. The next step is producing reliable offense when teams start trapping Cade and daring everyone else to beat them. Despite not having a true 2nd ball handler, they’re able to do it. The shooters actually make shots, Cade controls every close game and the Pistons win their first title since 2004.

Cavs: LeBron comes home for the third and presumably final time. The Cavaliers already have Donovan Mitchell and James Harden creating most of the offense, so LeBron no longer has to carry the entire franchise every night. Mobley and Allen anchor the defense. Mitchell scores 30 a night. Cleveland meets New York in the conference finals. LeBron eliminates the Knicks one final time because some traditions are too important to abandon. The Cavaliers win the championship. Harden gets his first ring, LeBron retires in Cleveland and ESPN spends the next six months debating whether it was actually Mitchell’s team. Harden thanks the city for having bad strip clubs, which allowed him to play better. Kyrie Irving shows up at the parade despite nobody inviting him.

Pacers: Tyrese Haliburton returns looking like himself. Siakam remains steady, Nembhard hits every big shot for no understandable reason and Zubac gives them a great center. The Pacers enter as a low seed, embarrass three fanbases, including the Knicks in 6 in the Conference finals and win the championship.

Warriors: Lebron signs with Golden State, joining Steph Curry, Jimmy Butler, Kristaps Porziņģis and Al Horford. The Warriors now possess approximately 50 All-Star appearances, four functioning knees and the combined age of a United States senator. The regular season is mostly load management. Golden state finishes 6th despite being entertaining for stretches with everyone healthy. Then the playoffs begin. LeBron and Steph run the most unfair pick-and-roll imaginable. Porziņģis stays healthy through prayer and industrial quantities of athletic tape. Horford hits one corner three per game. The Warriors win the title. Steph gets ring No. 5, LeBron gets No. 5 and Chris Paul somehow receives one after being spotted near the arena.

Rockets: Kevin Durant stays healthy, Amen Thompson wins Defensive Player of the Year and Reed Sheppard becomes the lead guard Houston badly needs. Şengün creates offense, Houston’s army of wings bothers everybody and Durant handles the late-game possessions when the young players begin panicking. The Rockets win the title. Durant celebrates by searching his own name on Twitter before leaving the locker room.

Hawks: Jalen Johnson becomes a superstar and Atlanta’s collection of elite perimeter defenders turns every series into 48 minutes of harassment. Dyson Daniels, Lu Dort and Nickeil Alexander-Walker make opposing guards miserable. Johnson runs the offense and CJ McCollum supplies just enough late-game scoring. Atlanta sports fans get their 2nd championship of the decade.

Lakers: Luka arrives in top shape, Walker Kessler fixes the interior defense and Austin Reaves continues being much better than people want him to be. Quentin Grimes takes the toughest perimeter assignment while Luka averages 35 points and complains to the officials in several languages. The Lakers beat Dallas in the first round, San Antonio in the 2nd round, Golden State with Lebron in the Conference Finals and Boston in the Finals. ESPN spends the next six months debating what the championship means for LeBron’s legacy, with his former team winning the very next year without him and eliminating him on the way.

Magic: Paolo Banchero makes the jump to a top-10 player, Franz Wagner stays healthy and Desmond Bane provides the shooting Orlando desperately needed. Jalen Suggs and Anthony Black make life miserable for opposing guards, while the offense finally advances beyond “Paolo, please do something.” The Magic win the title after discovering the most powerful form of magic in basketball: making open threes. Disney uses this change to raise ticket prices another $40.

Trail Blazers: Ja Morant returns to All-NBA form and manages to keep the entire season focused on basketball. Jrue Holiday and Toumani Camara cover for him defensively, Donovan Clingan controls the paint and Deni Avdija continues his transformation into a giant point guard. Portland enters as the sixth seed and becomes the team nobody wants to face. Ja wins Finals MVP. Damian Lillard receives most of the credit, despite not even finals MVP.

Hornets: Brandon Miller becomes an All-NBA scorer, Kon Knueppel turns into one of the league’s best shooters and Naz Reid thrives as a full-time starter. Charlotte’s collection of competent veterans remains competent for an entire season, already making this the most successful experiment in franchise history. They reach the Finals, where Miller scores 47 in Game 7. Michael Jordan appears during the trophy presentation, takes the microphone and accepts full credit despite selling the team years earlier.

Suns: They can’t.

Wizards: The organization finally remembers that the team is called the Wizards. Trae learns to levitate the ball into the basket, Davis receives an enchanted suit of armor that prevents injuries and Sarr grows another eight inches after drinking a potion labeled “Player Development.” Washington goes 98-0. Adam Silver investigates but finds no rule explicitly prohibiting sorcery.

Mavericks: Cooper Flagg makes a massive second-year leap, Kyrie Irving returns healthy and Dereck Lively becomes one of the league’s best defensive centers. Dallas reaches the Conference Finals against Luka and the Lakers. Flagg blocks Luka at the buzzer in Game 7, finally allowing Mavericks fans to experience happiness again. Dallas still needs more offense for the Finals, so Nico Harrison builds a time machine and stops himself from making the Luka trade. Due to a temporal loophole, Flagg remains on the roster. Dallas now has Luka, Kyrie and Flagg and wins the championship. Nico immediately trades Luka for Mikal Bridges because defense wins championships, and he needs to prove that he was right.

Jazz: Lauri Markkanen stays healthy, Ace Bailey becomes a star and Jaren Jackson Jr. remembers that players his size are allowed to rebound. Utah’s enormous frontcourt blocks everything and Keyonte George becomes a competent lead guard. They still cannot generate enough offense, so the Jazz finally begin using actual jazz. A 200-person orchestra sits behind the visiting bench and communicates every Utah play through increasingly aggressive saxophone solos. Opponents cannot hear their coaches, the officials or their own thoughts. Markkanen becomes unstoppable whenever accompanied by smooth jazz. Utah wins the championship and Finals MVP is awarded to the trombonist.

Pelicans: Zion Williamson stays healthy. Yes, we are doing this again. He plays 70 games, Trey Murphy becomes an All-Star and Herb Jones guards every player on the opposing team simultaneously. New Orleans enters the postseason with its actual rotation available for the first time since the Louisiana Purchase. Zion dominates the first two rounds before suffering a minor ankle injury. The Pelicans respond by signing four actual pelicans. Their wingspans are enormous, they are excellent at tracking objects in flight and none of them can be called for carrying because they do not have hands. New Orleans wins Game 7 after its starting center catches Shai’s potential game-winner in its beak and flies out of the arena.

Nets: They can’t.

Bucks: GM Jon Horst finds an undo button, and spams it. He gets back Giannis, Jrue, Middleton and prime Ray Allan. The Bucks easily win the championship.

Clippers: First, the Kawhi trade falls apart. Kawhi remains in Los Angeles, but the Clippers still need him to stay healthy. Steve Ballmer reveals that the real purpose of Intuit Dome is not basketball but cryogenic regeneration. Kawhi enters the building and emerges with his 2017 knees. Brook Lopez becomes 29. Darius Garland gains functional ankles. The Clippers finally experience a completely healthy playoff run and win their first championship. The NBA immediately begins another investigation into whether forbidden medical technology counts against the salary cap, but the investigation has yet to conclude.

Kings: Sabonis learns to protect the rim, Zach LaVine becomes a point guard and Keegan Murray transforms into prime Klay Thompson. It is still not enough. Sacramento concludes that democracy has failed and declares Sabonis the King of California. He dissolves the state legislature and issues a royal decree naming Sacramento the 2027 NBA champion. Every team that disputes the result is charged with treason. Adam Silver attempts to overturn the championship but is locked in the arena dungeon. The victory beam remains lit permanently.

Bulls: Josh Giddey shoots 42% from 3, but they still can’t.

Grizzlies: They can’t.