This is a ranking of how likely each NBA team name is to be spoken, shouted, m*aned, whispered, misheard, or otherwise vocalized during a consensual s*xual interaction between adults.

For the purposes of this exercise, “s*x” includes anything consenting adults might reasonably place beneath that very large umbrella. Post-coital conversation is explicitly excluded; otherwise, statements such as “Should we turn the Thunder game back on?” would count, and the entire project would just become another study proving that large-market teams receive disproportionate media attention.

I am using the official team nicknames, not fan abbreviations. That means the Philadelphia 76ers, not the “Sixers”; the Minnesota Timberwolves, not the “Wolves”; the Portland Trail Blazers, not the “Blazers”; and the Dallas Mavericks, not the “Mavs.”

I am allowing singular forms. One Bull, Buck, King, Rocket, Piston, Wizard, etc. will count.

Homophones count. Connected speech counts. A team name may also occur inside a larger spoken word or phrase.

Let’s get to the action.

Idea came from this: https://np.reddit.com/r/baseball/comments/1pywyri/ranking_the_mlb_teams_according_to_how_likely_it/

Tier One: The Mood Has Been Assessed a Flagrant Two

30. Philadelphia 76ers

I can imagine someone saying, “Let’s try position seventy-six,” but the actual word “seventy-sixer” would require either a historically themed roleplay involving a tricorne hat or an alarming amount of laminated documentation. Dead last.

29. New Orleans Pelicans

“Pelican” would make an outstanding safe word. It is distinctive, impossible to mistake for encouragement, and immediately forces everyone involved to picture a throat pouch.

Its most likely appearance would be during beach s*x when an actual pelican steals somebody’s sandwich. At that point the s*xual interaction is over, the bird has possession, and New Orleans is running the offense through Zion again.

28. Los Angeles Lakers

“Take me by the lake” has potential.

“Take me, Laker” sounds like a plea directed toward a regional freight vessel.

The Lakers edge out the Pelicans because somebody, somewhere, undoubtedly has a highly specific Great Lakes shipping fantasy. I congratulate that person on finding their truth and respectfully decline to perform additional research.

Tier Two: Animal Roleplay, but With Unhelpful Extra Syllables

27. Minnesota Timberwolves

If the official nickname were simply Wolves, Minnesota would be dangerous.

Unfortunately, it is Timberwolves. I can imagine werewolf roleplay. I cannot imagine anyone reaching a moment of passion and deciding that precise habitat taxonomy is essential.

“Harder, timberwolf” sounds less like dirty talk than an instruction given by a concussed park ranger.

26. Toronto Raptors

“Raptor” is plausible in two situations:

One, dinosaur roleplay.

Two, somebody with long fingernails becomes overenthusiastic.

“Easy, raptor” is not a compliment.

Toronto nevertheless receives credit for claws, hissing, and the reasonable possibility that Jurassic Park has been left playing in the background, which is my favorite Spielberg movie btw.

25. Charlotte Hornets

Horny would be an unquestioned championship contender and probably winner.

The name could certainly be screamed during outdoor s*x, but I’m not a probabilities genius, but I feel it’s unlikely.

Tier Three: A Linguistic Technicality Is Still a Technicality

24. Indiana Pacers

People absolutely discuss pace during s*x.

Faster pace. Slower pace. Maintain that pace. Stop changing pace like a toddler operating a ceiling fan.

Unfortunately, the team name is Pacers, not Pace.

Their strongest argument is the approximate homophone “pace, sir,” as in an extremely formal encounter where someone says, “A quicker pace, sir.” I am allowing it, but the official scorer has marked the basket as deeply embarrassing.

23. Cleveland Cavaliers

“Cavalier” can enter a s*xual interaction primarily as part of a warning:

“You’re being awfully cavalier about where you put that massage oil.”

There is also swashbuckler roleplay involving capes, boots, and a person who insists on fencing while shirtless. And realistically, has anyone really said the word Cavalier since 1648?

22. Boston Celtics

Boston has two possible routes.

There is fantasy-warrior roleplay, and there is somebody attempting a “Celtic knot” during rope bondage.

Unfortunately, saying “Celtic” immediately produces a pronunciation argument between a Boston sports fan and someone with a minor in archaeology. There are few faster ways to kill a mood, although putting on competitive Irish dance music would probably do it.

Tier Four: Costumes, Props, and Questionable Decisions

21. LA Clippers

If somebody says, “Pass me the clippers” in the middle of s*x, stop the clock, return to your designated positions, and request a full explanation.

Nautical roleplay provides another possibility, but I refuse to imagine anyone seductively identifying themselves as a nineteenth-century sailing vessel.

20. Portland Trail Blazers

Blazers alone would perform well.

“Take off the blazer.”

“Leave the blazer on.”

“Is that my blazer?”

“Why are you wearing my father’s blazer?”

But abbreviations are banned, meaning Portland needs the full Trail Blazer.

Its strongest possibility is: “Nobody has ever tried that with a yoga block before. You’re a real trailblazer.”

19. Dallas Mavericks

Top Gun roleplay gives Maverick a genuine path up the rankings.

The problem is that most people engaging in Top Gun roleplay are considerably more likely to shout “Talk to me, Goose,” which does nothing for Dallas’s numbers.

Still, “Easy, Maverick” is a believable warning to someone attempting a maneuver learned from either Reddit or a podcast hosted by three unmarried men.

Tier Five: Fantasy Roleplay Has Entered the Rotation

18. Memphis Grizzlies

“Grizzly” can describe body hair, a bear-themed persona, or the condition of the fitted sheet after a particularly physical fourth quarter.

“You’re looking grizzly” is therefore plausible, although not necessarily flattering.

Memphis survives on niche roleplay, lumberjack aesthetics, and the universal erotic power of a flannel shirt worn by someone who does not actually work outdoors.

17. Washington Wizards

Wizard roleplay supplies robes, spells, candles, wands, and at least one adult who has spent an irresponsible amount of money on Etsy.

“Work your wizardry” and “You’re a wizard” are both viable.

16. Golden State Warriors

“Warrior” works as praise after considerable effort:

“You absolute warrior.”

It also fits fantasy roleplay.

The plural Warriors is probably most likely in a group setting, and I am not drawing that play on the telestrator.

Tier Six: The Dictionary Is Starting to Sweat

15. New York Knicks

Homophones rescue New York because Knicks sounds exactly like nicks.

“Careful, I nicked myself shaving” is a sentence that might reasonably be said during s*x, although it generally results in an immediate reduction in pace.

The Knicks’ own history page traces “Knickerbockers” to a style of pants, which should have been an enormous competitive advantage, in the 1920s that is.

14. Denver Nuggets

“Nugget” can be a pet name, a snack, a lump of something valuable, or an undignified euphemism.

“Don’t crush my nuggets” is not elegant, but it is unquestionably in bounds.

Denver also benefits from everyone who has ordered chicken nuggets to a hotel room and then refused to pause what they were doing when the delivery arrived.

13. Utah Jazz

Jazz is already music that people deliberately play to create atmosphere.

Someone could ask to “jazz things up,” complain about the jazz playlist, or say “and all that jazz” while listing activities that I am not qualified to diagram.

There is even historical help: etymological research indicates that jazz acquired a slang meaning referring to s*x by at least 1918.

The primary danger is attempting to synchronize your movements with a seventeen-minute saxophone solo in ¹³⁄₈ time.

Tier Seven: Environmental Conditions and Cowboy Equipment

12. Phoenix Suns

Singular forms are allowed, and sun appears inside sunburn, sunscreen, sunshine, Sunday, and sunroof.

“Careful, my sunburn” has almost certainly been uttered during vacation s*x in every hotel room between in a tropical place.

There is also an obvious homophone involving “sons,” which I am declining to investigate.

11. Oklahoma City Thunder

Thunder thighs.

Bring the thunder.

Thunderstorm s*x.

A headboard producing a thunderous noise.

The phrase “Was that thunder?” can be romantic, meteorological, or a serious structural-engineering question. All three count.

Oklahoma City narrowly misses the top ten because the loudest sound during s*x is traditionally someone’s upstairs neighbor dropping what appears to be a regulation bowling ball.

10. San Antonio Spurs

The Spurs have cowboy roleplay, “spur of the moment,” and a verb that can mean to incite or stimulate.

Actual metal spurs require advance discussion, enthusiastic consent, and possibly a tetanus booster. The vocabulary alone is enough to sneak San Antonio into the top ten.

Tier Eight: Now We’re Generating Quality Looks

9. Brooklyn Nets

Fishnets.

That is the entire scouting report.

8. Milwaukee Bucks

Singular buck gives us buck naked (George Costanza’s name), buck wild, bucking, and young buck.

“Stop bucking” and “Don’t stop bucking” are both highly plausible and, crucially, mean opposite things. Listen carefully.

The Bucks also appear inside Starbucks, giving caffeine-fueled morning s*x a completely unnecessary technical path to qualification:

“We should not have had two Starbucks.”

Counts.

7. Detroit Pistons

A piston is literally a cylindrical component that moves back and forth under pressure.

I did not write that definition. Merriam-Webster did, and frankly Merriam-Webster needs to take a walk and think about what it has done and it includes the phrase “pissed on”

Tier Nine: Multiple Independent Routes to the Basket

6. Chicago Bulls

The Bulls have a remarkably complete résumé.

First, “bull” is used as a s**xual-role term in some consensual cu*ckold scenarios.

Second, there is bull-riding and cowboy roleplay.

Third, bull is fully contained inside bullsh*t, which may be shouted immediately after someone says, “I promise this has never happened before.”

Chicago has three completely independent ways to score and still cannot crack the top five.

5. Atlanta Hawks

Thanks to one extremely viral interview in 2024, “hawk” became part of a s*xual sound effect recognized by millions of people who wish they could erase at least twelve percent of their online memory. I do not wish to say the full term, but I know you know it.

Atlanta receives a top 5 ranking almost entirely through onomatopoeia.

4. Orlando Magic

“Work your magic.”

“Use those magic fingers.”

“That was magic.”

“Where did you put the magic wand?”

Magic can be an instruction, a compliment, a description, a roleplaying theme, or the name of an overpriced scented candle purchased from a store that also sells crystals.

Orlando is the rare five-tool prospect with no obvious weakness.

Tier Ten: Unanimous All-NBA First Team

3. Miami Heat

“In heat.”

“Turn up the heat.”

“Feel the heat.”

“Body heat.”

“Heat of the moment.”

Miami’s nickname is already doing unpaid labor in approximately half of all romance novels.

2. Houston Rockets

Singular rocket is effectively a homophone of “rock it.”

People can and do use “rock it” as encouragement during physical activity. That alone gives Houston an elite case.

Then add rockets as obvious anatomical metaphors, “blastoff,” “launch,” “pocket rocket,” and every person who has ever described an org*sm using NASA terminology despite possessing no background in aerospace engineering.

1. Sacramento Kings

It was always going to be the Kings.

There is royal roleplay.

There is “Yes, king.”

There is “My king.”

There are king-size beds, king costumes, and people who expect to be treated like royalty despite contributing neither emotional availability nor fitted sheets to the relationship.

But none of that is why Sacramento wins.

Under the established rule that a team name may appear inside a larger spoken word, the complete sound “king” occurs inside the word “f*cking.”

Fuc-KING.

Every time someone says the single word most stereotypically associated with this entire activity, they have technically said King.

The Sacramento Kings have been hiding inside s*x’s franchise player this whole time. It’s not even close, this blows everything else out of the water.

Light the beam. Wash the sheets.

For the first time in Kings history, they have won something.