[TheOnion] Adam Silver Acknowledges Declining Ratings May Have Something To Do With How He Looks
NEW YORK—Admitting that he might bear some responsibility for the NBA’s recent struggles, commissioner Adam Silver acknowledged Tuesday that the league’s declining ratings could very well have something to do with how he looks. “Unfortunately, we’ve suffered a steady drop in viewership over the past several years, and I’ll be the first to admit this trend has likely been accelerated by my unsettling physical qualities,” Silver told reporters, conceding that the NBA’s middling ad sales and shrinking audiences could be partly attributed to his hairless, vaguely translucent form and his eerie, beady-eyed presence, which he confessed were more befitting an undead humanoid who sleeps in a coffin than an executive who serves as the public face of a major professional sports organization. “Viewers these days are concerned that when they turn on a basketball game, I’ll lurch into frame with my spiderlike physique and horrible rictus, so that’s a challenge we’re actively addressing. The fact is that we’ve lost millions of viewers, and the sooner we can figure out a solution to the terror basketball fans feel at seeing me looming on their television screens, the better.” Silver added that he was hoping to return the NBA to the popularity of its 1990s heyday, when basketball fans wanted to fuck David Stern’s brains out.