Bill Simmons on hearing about the Jaylen Brown trade from his wife picking him up from a colonoscopy: “I think I’m dead. The anesthesia killed me. Are there more first round picks?…I had a camera in my ass, and I had Paul George rammed up my ass”
Bill Simmons still got it this another gem 💎
This is why I still listen. He may get basic details wrong, bring the Celtics up in ridiculously unrelated moments, push his narratives like crazy, be a massive prisoner of the moment, and box score watch, but his fastball is still 105 mph
The Paul George = cat analogy will live with me for all time.
where’s paul george? oh, he’s in the garage
i literally remember where i was when he said this
Please remind me the analogy again?
https://www.reddit.com/r/nba/comments/1cg3ymx/bill_simmons_paul_george_is_like_a_cat_hell_jump/
Lmao Bill Simmons is the GOAT.
This thread is hilarious to me bc every other Simmons thread on this sub is shitting on him
LOL I forgot I was the top comment on that
he just perfectly understands how to craft a metaphor and line that’s so normal but great
Normal is the tough part. You hear some affluenza leak out at times but he’s still pretty grounded for a multi-millionaire.
When Simmons was talking about the guy that comes to his house and cooks meals for his family and denying that he was a private chef.
Sal - well he’s certainly not a “public” chef
I think he described something as an amuse bouche one time with Sal and it was so funny.
Which is why I wish he still wrote, even like once a month would be nice. His article about his daughter’s first crushing sports loss and the one he wrote about his dog are some of my favorite reads.
Him jumbling details, referrering to the wrong team or player during a conversation, mispronounced names, and even his homer takes are some of my favorite parts. Call me crazy but I enjoy that at his heart he is a massive irrational fan. The Boston takes could get a little tiresome but its fun to see how long he takes for him to bring up the Celtics.
I love listening to irrational fans. I wish there was a Bill Simmons for every professional team. I’d listen to all of those podcasts.
I trust a commentator who wears their biases on their sleeve way more than people who act like they’re impartial. We all grew up rooting for certain teams, just own it.
I just think so much of his hate comes from people who don’t like that he’s a celtics homer and that he became the biggest in his space.
He’s always been 100% honest about what he is. Even on ESPN he was still himself. That 2014 draft he hosted will go down as legendary.
Bill Simmons is loved because he’s basically the fan perspective on sports. Bill Simmons is hated because he’s basically the fan perspective on sports.
Oh yeah. I stopped listening to him regularly but whenever there is a big sports story I love to check in, especially when it’s a Boston sports story
I still miss his long-form writing. I watch his pod sometimes but it’s not the same. It just isn’t.
Grantland ☹️
ESPN Page 2
kinda crazy considering he was basically set up to be the heir of Hunter S Thompson
That’s a goddamn insane thing to say
We were somewhere outside the proctology clinic on the edge of the suburbs when the Jaylen Brown trade began to take hold.
But that was the point of Page 2. When Hunter killed himself, Bill was basically the designated heir to it. Page 2 was originally ESPN giving Hunter S. Thompson a platform before he died lol
I get that from a functional standpoint, but I meant like, even at his best Simmons as a writer wasn’t in the same ballpark.
Well, duh. We’re talking about the greatest sports journalist of all time who created his own entire writing style. Bill is obviously not there, but taking the keys doesn’t mean you’re at or even supposed to be at the same level. It’s just passing the keys
Very fair and I’m going to use this explanation in the future. At first I was like nah that’s crazy but you’re right.
Yeah it’s a stretch for sure. Thompson’s core legacy is his gonzo journalism which manifested through his writings. The sports journalism style of Simmons is not really gonzo at all.
Andrew from Channel 5 news have a more clear Thompson-influence, albeit only on the gonzo-journalism side since they don’t do writings.
I would say someone who is combo of the journalism of Andrew/Channel 5 with the writing form of Simmons/Grantland could be considered as a Hunter S Thompson successor
David Foster Wallace was the Thompson successor, but then he died 3 years after Thompson did.
Gonzo types like then aren’t really cut out to live a long time
I think he’s meaning that for a while Hunter was the main draw on the ESPN page 2 website.
https://www.espn.com/page2/s/thompson/030722.html
Bill was positioned to take over that role.
I agree. Better writer than podcaster imo. And now Zach’s stopped writing too 😭
I’m surprised the Ringer does any written content at all. That type of content was dead as far as being a source of revenue even as The Ringer was created. Simmons/Spotify is basically bankrolling it.
I think there’s an audience for it but in terms of revenue generated they’d rather have their guys focus on pods.
I feel like the written stuff is just marketing for the pods anyway. I mean some of it is still good, but half the time it is “here is this piece, we discuss it more on the pod”
Written mailbags were really the first piece of outstanding web content I can remember
He also threw out the “Snowtime” Lakers. He’s still in his prime throwing fast balls in the corner.
zombie heat
His playoff and draft coverage was abysmal. Just when I thought he lost his fast ball, he puts out a banger like this. Apologies for doubting the Podfather
He definitely had a May and June slump.
Bill Simmons is my goat. He doesn’t give you the best analysis, but what he reminds me of talking to guys in bars about sports which is always a fun time.
yeah for someone who is really hated in a lot of spots especially the laker sub, this is hilarious. Made himself literally the “butt of the joke” for a hilarious recap. No one can hate on this.
For as much shit he gives the Lakers, he gives them a ton of praise and air time.
His late career resurgence has been impressive. There was a point after he left ESPN and early ringer days where he was going through the motions a bit and wasn’t as tuned into the league
His uncut gems 💎 moment
Lmfao. “Are there more first round picks?”
Not the first time that has been asked!
Certainly was a common question in the Celtics thread last night lol
Celtics got Nicoed
Celtics pulled a Philly level front office move
“Where are the 1RP? Are they safe? are they all right?
“It seems in your anger, you traded them”
“I….I couldn’t have! They were valuable, I FELT IT!”
Literally what I was thinking lmao
man woke up from anesthesia and his first instinct was asset management
With all the “Bill is a coward for not doing an emergency pod” talk yesterday this is the funniest possible reason for him not doing it.
he definitely talked about prepping for the colonoscopy on a recent pod too so he’s got the receipts
I keep seeing “why did the Celtics rush this trade? They could’ve waited til September and hoped for a better deal”
Now we know. It had to be done and announced yesterday afternoon at 3:20pm Pacific.
Yeah as soon as he mentioned the colonoscopy, I immediately thought that it was a bold move to schedule something like that so close to when crazy NBA stuff might happen.
“Sorry doc, July 1 is a top 8 NBA calendar date, probably top 6 in the last 3.5 decades. I won’t do it, I just won’t!”
The Jaylen Brown rule: Never schedule a colonoscopy for the first week of a league year
Espn era bill would write a whole article about the worst sports related days to schedule a major medical procedure after this.
He did say on the new pod he fucked up the prep the night before the original appointment so he had to reschedule it and the soonest appointment was the 1st. So the timing was interesting.
you could only mess up the prep by eating solids or drinks/desserts with red 40, or not drinking all of the prep solution
He must be adding red 40 to his hot water and lemon
That prep solution is fucking rough.
As someone who had colon cancer -
The prep sucks. But surgery/radiation/chemo - sucks way more than you can imagine.
Get your colonoscopies, folks. It’s honestly not that bad.
It cleans out everything you’ve ever thought about eating
bro health always comes first. colon cancer kills. and sometimes when you reschedule, doctors don’t have shit for months and months
You’re also not out of it for that long with a colonoscopy. When I go for a colonoscopy the appointment will be at like 7am and I’m back home and basically normal before noon. It just so happened that the trade went down during the exact time he was getting it done.
This is honestly so much fucking funnier than whatever his raw, initial reaction would have been yesterday. The idea of him in a twilight consciousness trying to figure out if he was in hell from dying during a colonoscopy made me laugh til my stomach hurt. Someone in another comment said prostate P and I lost it again.
Props to /u/Freddedonna (and others) for Colonosco P🤣
“Colonosco P” is so fuckin good lmao
Later in the pod Bill talks about asking his wife if he should do an emergency pod and she was like, no, you’re delirious. But the idea of Bill doing a barely coherent anesthesia podcast is also pretty hilarious.
Coward should have put up the pod during the colonoscopy
it honestly just adds to the mystique
Where does this rank on the bill Simmons pantheon
Top 7 in the last 2.5 presidential terms
Lmfaoooo this is perfect
Even waking up from anesthesia, 63% conscious, he’s still got it.
A few days ago, he said Brown lead the Celtics to a “56-23 record over their last 79 games.”
Chefs Kiss
I love that anyone with even cursory knowledge of the nba who hasn’t even seen a single Celtics game all year can deduce from that statement that they were 0-3 in the three games before that. LMFAOOOOO
The best part is the pointlessness of cutting off the first 3 games.
Like, if you want to make an argument for JB, you can just say, “He lead the Celtics to a 56 win season and the #2 seed.”
That’s just fine as it is! Saying “56-23 record over their last 79 games” is not in any way more impressive!
It’s pointless but also why BS can never be replaced. Top 13 podcaster of the last 15 tenths of a decade
I had Paul George rammed up my ass
That seems like an all timer
Penetration P
Prostate P
Colonosco P
holy shit 😂
Holy shit is right
No OT at the toilet tonight
Polyp P
Paul Engorged
Mr Bowel Camper
Mr. Butt Crammer
Mr. Booty Compacter
Mr. Bottom Celtic
This and Paul George is like a scary road in Acapulco are some of bills finest work tbh
reading through the thread he already has several just on Paul George lol
All timer, this is why you listen
This has to be top 3
I dont know, but “I had Paul George rammed up my ass” will be an unfortunate clipped moment for years to come(sp?)
Apex mountain?
Especially because it’s the day after the procedure. He’s definitely not 100%. Maybe 83%? 84%? What percentage do you think he’s at, Russillo?
I’m not even a big Bill Simmons guy but that’s fucking hilarious
It’s his re-apex no doubt about it
Only real ones will get this reference
not everyone was around to hear them explain Apex Mountain to Michael Mann
Hearing Bill explain Apex Mountain to Steven Spielberg on the 2001: A Space Odyssey pod was hysterical. Sean Fennessey’s reaction was incredible.
Fennessey: “Don’t ruin this for me, Bill.”
At the end of the pod when they asked producer Craig his opinion on the movie Fennessey literally said, “Don’t fuck this up Craig” lol.
This story is just over there, levitating over the rest
Maybe just a small portion of settle down juice. Maybe like 4 ounces? 3.5 ounces?
Is this Pantheon level of the all-time Simmons take Pyramid?
easily
It just is!
For people that don’t understand why he has such a big audience, this is why. He’s genuinely funny when it comes to being a regular fan.
I hope this dude never changes lol.
Never understood the hate tbh
He’s a biased Celtics fan that loves the game with a podcast, and he’s never tried to pretend to be anything else
He’s got some pretty awful takes but that’s part of the charm.
EDIT: I should clarify that, yes, everyone has awful takes. But Bill’s are so uniquely wild sometimes. some examples:
The Memphis crowd gets nervous sometimes because of the MLK assassination
Soup is the “perfect” food.
Home Alone isn’t a Christmas movie
Recasting idea for Fight Club: Reese Witherspoon as Marla Singer
Wanting to extend cam newton on the pats after 2 games
NBA will take over NFL in a matter of years (~5 yrs ago)
I don’t think there’s anyone on the planet that wouldn’t have a couple awful takes if they got in front of a mic and gave opinions for thousands of hours.
Kornheiser says he doesn’t use social media because he has no self control and would just argue all day with schmucks.
Anybody whose job it is to give hot takes on dumb shit 24⁄7 will be giving takes that at least some people believe are terrible 24⁄7.
I probably should clarify that Bill’s takes are uniquely weird/awful but, again, it’s part of the charm of listening to him. I’m mostly talking about his movie/entertainment takes.
I stand by what I said. Literally everyone has at least a few opinions where they are deep within the minority of the public consensus
And that doesn’t even get into saying things that you don’t actually believe because you have time to fill and your job is to be engaging.
Two people agreeing that Home Alone is a Christmas movie isn’t a very interesting conversation.
Everyone does
Edit: Appreciate you taking the time to edit lol
But I still think if we all talked online as much as him in a free-form format, we’d probably have equally horrendous takes on some things
Of course I know him, he’s me.
But doctor, I am the great clown Bill Simmons
Come on the Memphis thing is hilarious. Nobody else’s brain works in quite the same way
It’s absolutely hilarious and why I love listening to him.
All sports fans have awful takes.
Have you spent any time on here? Everyone is chock full of awful takes lol
Bill Simmons bad takes get more attention in my opinion because (among other reasons) he also has so many good ones. His highs imo are better than a lot of other pundits, especially from back when he was still writing, which makes his bad takes stand out more.
It’s like the difference between Luka having a bad game vs Jake LaRavia.
Also the internet has become a miserable shitfest where people focus on roasting bad takes so much that ESPN purposefully manufactures them
People give him shit for bad takes but that’s his whole thing. He sees the game like a fan does. He’s not a scout or someone that has unique insights
The more you consume American sports media, the more you realize that Bill is a truly special and unique talent.
The talking heads just ride whatever the current wave is.
75% of the “smart” “analysts” are just regurgitating the same stuff everyone else is saying.
Even if you absolutely hate what Bill is saying, you know that it usually is drawn from his own experience and knowledge watching basketball, and his deeply personal fandom. Even if what he’s saying ends up being the stupidest take you’ve ever heard.
Yeah, at least – unlike say SAS – Bill clearly watches a ton of basketball and loves the game.
He’s both a diehard fan who loves the game and one of the biggest basketball historians you’ll ever see. The Book of Basketball might as well be a doctoral thesis.
I hate him because he’s one of the most talented sports writer of all time, and he stopped because he made too much money.
Yeah, Zach Lowe is great, but Bill Simmons was so fucking good, like his article on caring about sports is one of my all time favorite piece that forever changed how I think about the concept of “caring”.
And he just fucking stopped.
Apparently his hands don’t work anymore. Also the internet just isn’t a place where good writing is appreciated or compensated enough. Media literacy is at an all time low
Unfortunately his greatness as an organization builder/leader was far more lucrative than his greatness as a writer
I mean he didn’t get the nickname “PodFather” for no reason. He just switched from doing articles to doing podcasts.
I also blame ESPN…if they didn’t kill of Grantland I think we’d still be getting the occasional article from him.
Yeah if you hate on his homerism you just don’t know Bill. It’s what makes him a fun listen and the memes about it are hilarious
he’s not even really biased, that’s his schtick
but it works, and people gobble it up
I think he’s funny and entertaining, though
All in, my ass
Rim protection, my ass
I don’t think this could be any funnier
I’m a Celtics fan. I was at game 7. I know this makes them immediately worse and is financially motivated yadda yadda.
This is all going to be spectacular for content.
Podcast P provides for his people
Podfather with the rare re-apex mountain
Colonoscopy P
50⁄50 Brad just did it for the Bill Simmons memes
Isn’t Bill’s daughter interning for the team right now?
She shows up and next thing you know JB is moved out of town
*Windhorst fingers
bro never lost his fastball
In 2024 the Celtics were in dynasty talks
That died on arrival
Don’t take the title high for granted while it lasts. Speaking from experience life comes at you fast
Brother I have no belief that my team is gonna win again, we got our chip and that’s all I care about. Anything else is just a bonus
Exactly, still hurts, but would be fucking excruciating if we hadn’t won in 24’
It would be like if the Patriots dynasty was just 2005-2013
Sounds great to me!
People were born, became grandparents, and died in the gap between our championships. That title high ain’t going away any time soon.
I’m pretty sure 1 title is all Boston needs for a claimed dynasty
And then they were still really good with a new team and their best guy out. Lost with Tatum not fully back, and with some odd coaching decisions. Everyone’s thinking “man, they could be right back in contention next year even if they do nothing”
And they did worse than nothing. Even if you don’t want to re-sign him to that extention, fuckin run it back this year with a real shot to make the finals. Worth way more than netting 1 FRP. (the PG contact is a FRP to take on it’s own).
I’m not big on JB at all, but this decision is baffling.
So..Bill liked the trade is what he’s saying
Mixed signals, rages about it but then fantasizes about PG up his ass.
No sir I don’t like it
r/brandnewsentence
This is an all-time quote, like Top 5 right?
At least top 7 in the post-Apex Mountain Simmons era.
The old man still got it
This was the only thing to make me smile about this trade.
What he didn’t tell you on the podcast is that this was his 3rd colonoscopy this week.
That’s how he was able to fit Paul George up there. Been training.
Brother I have 8 surgeries in the next 3 days
This sub told me that Simmons was going to defend the trade. I was so confused. Where did that idea even come from? Do you know anything about this guy?
The only thing that energizes Simmons more than his team winning is his team being comically incompetent and getting to rant about it. That is the essence of Boston sports fandom.
The Bill Simmons hate is so annoying because you’re not supposed to take him seriously beyond him knowing a lot about hoops history. People list why they hate him and most of the shit is what I enjoy about his pod lol. He’s annoying af like any fan when his team is good but also hilarious because you know shit like this is coming eventually. Your drunk, emotional uncle talking sports
Boston fans get almost as much joy out of feeling victimized as they do out of winning
I wouldn’t necessarily call it “joy”, but there is a energy and life force associated with it, yes.
I could see how it looks like joy from the outside though.
I’m sorry he’s hilarious and weird and the hate he gets is dumb.
This is why he gets along with Friedland so well.
Should be a fun rest of the off-season for Bill
Okay this hilarious lmaooo
The best to ever do it honestly
Mark Cuban on hearing about the Luka Doncic trade from his wife picking him up from a colonoscopy: “I think I’m dead. The anesthesia killed me. Are there more first round picks?…I had a camera in my ass, and I had Anthony Davis rammed up my ass
Anal lickingly, Brown was the 7th best player on our team
Nephew, get some help
Prostate P 🙏
gotta hand to BS that is a v good line
come again?
Now this is true offseason
Where can i watch this?
This is why Bill is the goat sports podcaster