First of all, let’s hear it for the San Antonio KNICKS. I had my doubts that they could get back up after that long grueling series against the Oklahoma City CAVALIERS, but all in all, we all should have known better than to doubt the 7’6 JALEN BRUNSON. I know I didn’t doubt them for a second.

The NBA draft is the greatest television event of the year. You know it used to be that the draft was fun because you were watching these kids essentially become generationally wealthy and be happy for them, but now with NIL money, the draft is just guys putting on hats one at a time for about 3 hours. And the even better part is that hat isn’t even necessarily the team they will be playing for.

“But pop” you whimper, riding your skateboard “how can i enjoy the greatest television event of the summer if I haven’t watched any of the teens play basketball?”

No son, stop whimpering. I have good news, you don’t need to know anything about any of these young people to judge them harshly in online forums. All you need to do is to follow my simple guide.

1. Either Darryn Peterson or Cam Boozer is your top player in the draft now.

Sure, AJ Dybantsa will most likely go first overall but you don’t care about him. It’s either Cam Boozer or Darryn Peterson. Don’t be afraid to get hyperbolic with it. “Darryn Peterson is the best prospect I’ve ever seen” “Cam Boozer invented the polio vaccine” go nuts with it.

2. You now hate Nate Ament on a deeply personal Level

Before we continue, it’s important to know this: Nate Ament is the worst basketball player you’ve ever seen now. The most obvious bust. Soft, doesn’t return the shopping cart at the grocery store, killed your parents. You hate him. he’ll never make it in the nba. It’s literally impossible for him to grow into his frame. No one has ever grown.

note: If he is drafted by the Thunder or Spurs, it’s a great pick and you called that he was going to be a star the whole time

3. Develop a strong affection for one of the following guards: Darius Acuff, Kingston Flemmings, Keaton Wagler, Labaron Phylon or Mikel Brown Jr

Choosing your favorite guard in this draft is like choosing your pokemon starter. You don’t need a good reason to do it, you can just pick the one you think looks the prettiest. In fact, you should pick the guard you think looks the prettiest.

4. Develop a strong opinion on at least one of the three Michigan Prospects

It can be either positive or negative but you have to be loud about it. “Aday Mara isnt good he’s just tall!” is a good one. “Yaxel would be number 1 if he was 20 years old!” is another good one. But you can mix and match. I don’t think people will agree with any criticism of Morez johnson but i’m sure if you’re loud enough you will be able to win the argument anyway.

5. Go to a mock draft and pick anyone who’s 22 or older and just start hyping them up as your “Sleeper of the draft”

Note: It can’t be Yaxel Lendeborg. you gotta pick a different senior. basically everyone who was going to be picked in the 20s who weren’t seniors went back to school, but you get to overhype this draft class nonetheless so just pick a senior. talk about how you “can’t teach feel for the game” or “took him a bit but he found his way.” what those words mean? nobody knows but you should still say it nonetheless.

6. Any trade you ever see in any mock draft is dumb and infuriates you

The thought that x team would trade down is offensive and dumb and you hate it. No matter what. In fact, every trade anyone ever proposes is bad and not fun and you should treat it with deadly seriousness. You know the exact value of a 2028 pick swap and it’s either wayy tooo much or definitely not enough for that trade to work. No matter what you should be mad about the trade.

7. You Either exclusively talk about Darius Acuff/AJ Dybantsa’s defense or you never bring it up.

These two are both all time bad defenders. Acuff is quite literally the worst defender you may ever see in high level play. If you didn’t pick Acuff as your guy earlier among those guards, you should only talk about his defense. JigglyPuff with AJ Dybantsa, if you want to commit to hating the guy bring up his defense. if not compare him to T Mac. Bonus points if you want to hate on AJ but love Darius you can say “why don’t we ever bring up AJ’s defense?” and find your people.

8. Don’t Actually watch the draft

No need to honestly, just scroll by new here or check one of the reporter twitter accounts. You can go have an actual fun day or play Mina the Hollower with occasional breaks to yell at dudes on reddit, and you’ll have a much better Tuesday.