Wizards actively paying their fan (singular) to get drunk because they’re so bad, sounds about right

Cavs were contracted?

Alcoholics love this one simple trick

So the Sixers in 2015-16… would I have gotten paid to order a beer, on the last few games of the season?

Fuck yeah 2018-2022 ahh post

jokes on you bc beer is always $15+ at TD Garden 🥲

Coulda had so much cheap beer if you suggested this 2 years ago

I’ll pregame if necessary if it means championship contention

So your beer has an ELO rating ?

Yes….let’s allow people to get drunk for less than $2.00 in Washington DC…what could possibly go wrong?

over/under for the number of beer cans thrown onto the court at a wizards game

All your eastern conference records are from ten games ago…in fact most teams’ records are dated

Beer and alcoholism aren’t really in line with the NBA’s values.

The obvious solution is that instead of beer they should offer Kalshi discounts.

Let this man cook. theyre asking $17 after tax+tip for a 16oz coors in utah…

even at a dollar theyre profiting. 

also Ryan Smith a clown. ruined our team and tax dollars. 

Ain’t nobody going to watch games if beer is expensive. Fan attendance and happiness is the base of a franchise. Hence this should be swapped around. You tank, beers get more expensive. People don’t drink, people don’t attend, you lose money, that’s bad. Incentivizes teams to not tank. Play better, cheaper beer, everyone goes, everyone’s happy, that’s good.

This is the kind of creative shit we need, fantastic post.

So I get a Wizards ticket, drink 20 beers and get arrested for being off my face… and they give me 2 bucks for drinking that beer?

I know you wanted to do ticket prices instead of beer. And it’d hit a lot harder, be a lot more real. 

This post is brought to you by alcoholism lol. OP it’s still a funny post though.

Reminds me of Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Mel Famey. Back in the late 60s? Early 70s?

I wonder if this would have prevented that too…

The Mel Famey doc is crazy but he’s ths fucking phenom in like 68 or 69.

Very Mormon in his aesthetic. Think Kirk Cousins but likable. Philip Rivers without all the kids. Sorry, baseball metaphor. The next first Mark Prior. Doesn’t smoke. Goes to church. Good boy. But hot still?

Anyway, he’s unbeatable. At least, ²⁄₃ of the way through the season Mel Famey had MVP on-lock.

You ask anyone at all-star break who’s the best pitcher in the league? ⁹⁄₁₀ Sportscasters agree it’s Mel Famey.

And then they play the Cubs. Basement dweller Cubs. Famey threw a no hitter against them last series earlier in the season and he was - typical Famey - kind of a dick about it in the press.

Famey has this supermodel chef girlfriend lady. Like runs some restaurant like The Bear in LA but the tragedy is he can’t taste anything. So it’s press fodder.

He does love to have one beer before every game. It’s his one weird vice. A quiet beer. Sometimes fans or other teams leave him one. He actually knows beers. Suds and bubbles and a light buzz you can feel. He can feel. Not taste. Also, they ease you into a game and the crowd.

So anyway, Mel chugs tons of water after the beer because he’s a total lightweight. And has it down to a science that after pitch 3 he’s usually sober. It’s why he’s thrown two balls to start every inning his whole career. He’s drunk.

Anyway, so that Cubs sneak in and change his beer. (The ESPN doc on this is sick.) They figure he’ll notice but give him a higher proof IPA.

Famey claims he knew but drank it anyway.

The Cubs claim they knew he’d know. Famey was famous for beer. The Cubs bought trays of beer from the vendor kids selling it and put it in the water jug Mel Famey chugged from before the game. His way to sober up fast and erase the beer.

Famey comes out shaky. Throws two balls. Three balls. Four balls.

Fuck, he walked a guy.

Famey is chugging water and pitching worse. The Cubs are laughing. The score is ridiculous. The Milwaukee coach stuck with Famey until he puked on the mound. You can’t pull the MVP?!

The Cubs knee Famey would take the IPA. They knew he’d know. Think he’d caught them. It was kind of a tradition to leave Famey a beer. They knew he couldn’t taste the water so they put light beer in it. So this teetotaler Kirk Cousins type that drinks one beer and only one because he’s Doc Brown just spent the night chugging beer he thought was water

After the game (the Cubs 7th win) the whatever 10pm ABC CBS NBC News local station asks Cubs shortstop Don Kessinger about the erratic and record setting walks in the game (12) he laughs and says, “it was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us!”

Famey claims he just wanted to play drunk once. Milwaukee never forgave him.

The Cubs never would have been able to afford Milwaukee beer under this proposal. They’d have had to do it in Chicago.

My eyes

50¢ beers?! Watch out Bluebird on Wednesdays

Bro is actually cooking with this and Ive been sober for 10 years. What a good idea

What’s crazy is beers actually are $18 at Pistons games.

But then the cheap beer would attract more people to the games and higher ticket sales would probably even everything out 

Or, they could do it so if your team is good = beer is cheaper, and if your team is bad = beer is more expensive. Reward fans of good teams and push mediocre teams to do better to lower beer prices