Orlando will face the Hornets tomorrow, so let’s check if there’s any Alexanders on this team. Just to be safe, we’re going for the whole name, not just the last name.

Miles Emmanuel Bridges - Nope (Safe; as long as you’re not his baby mama, you’re fine around him)

LaMelo LaFrance Ball - Nope (Safe; as long as you’re not driving on the same street as him. Also, with a middle name like LaFrance, everything and nothing makes sense about LeMelo. Truly an enigma)

Grant Dean Williams - Nope (Safe; I feel like he’ll go into education after he retires, so Dean is very fitting)

Alec Jacoby White - Nope (VERY close call, but Safe; I didn’t know Coby wasn’t his first name. Also, is he still in the lottery if his name is AJ White? Many are asking)

Sion James - Nope (Safe; I’m always shocked when an American has no middle name. Is it a superstition or something?)

Kon Knuepel II - Nope (Safe; again, no middle name, although if his middle name began with a K, he’d get the BIGGEST of sideeyes. Having KK as your initials and it not having to do with doughnuts is already putting you on thin ice, so maybe it’s for the best)

Joshua Benjamin Green - Nope (Safe; again, does he go in the lottery if he went with JB Green or Ben Green instead? Does having Ben in his name help since he’s Australian? Many are asking. Okay, no they’re not)

Ryan Thomas Kalbrenner - Nope (Safe; Lowkey it surprises me when people born after 2000 have conventionally traditional first and middle names. I keep expecting some wild variation of Aiden to pop up like a jump scare)

Antonio Reeves - Nope (Safe; again, American-born with no middle name. I feel like black people love middle names since we are can get really creative with them. See : LaFrance or Raymone. Dunno why that irks me that a black guy, especially athlete, has no middle name. What does his family know that we don’t? Would he be offended if we gave him one?)

Moussa Diabate - Nope (Safe; no middle name, but he’s French. International players get a pass in my book. And Moussa Diabate is such a cool name that a middle name isn’t needed)

Paul Jerome Hall - Nope (Safe; A white guy going by Jerome Hall gets drafted in the late first round easily. PJ makes him sound like he only eats Uncrustables and chicken tenders with bbq sauce.)

Torisesean Evbuomwan - Nope (Safe; born in the UK, but I feel like the middle name thing should stick to him because the UK are basically the grandparents of the US. Very fun fact : His mother was the first female captain to pilot a plane in Nigeria)

Patrick Bergin Connaughton - Nope (Safe; I’ll always remember him for being on the Notre Dame squad that nearly beat the then undefeated Kentucky Wildcats in the Elite Eight. Great game.)

Tre’shaun Albert Mann - Nope (close call, but Safe; I love his Iverson-adjacent look. No shooting sleeve though? Gotta have the shooting sleeve with the headband, corn rows and baggy shorts. Come on mann, commit to the Iverson look)

Brandon Jordan Miller - Nope (Safe; not so fun fact, upon marginal research, I learned that there was another Brandon Miller in his 40’s that died by suicide because he was $34 million dollars in debt due to high stakes real estate projects. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988, text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line at 741741 or go to 988lifeline.org)

Xavier Justis Tillman Sr - Nope (Safe; if you told me he was 35, I’d believe you. He’s always had that old man face and adding Sr to his name isn’t helping matters. He’s only 27 btw. He did have that clutch shot against the Warriors in that Play-in game when he played for Memphis though)

Tidjane Abdoul Salaun - Nope (Safe; I feel like of all the players, he’d have the middle name Alexander. I dunno, he just looks like an Alex to me. I will not expound any further. He’s French btw)

Liam Thomas McNeely - Nope (Safe; I feel like he knows someone named Alex. REALLY Fun fact : His great-grandfather, grandfather, and mother played D1 college basketball, making him a fourth-generation ball player. Also, his two uncles played D1 ball as well)

Well, there you have it. Orlando is safe from Alexanders, but the Hornets have been setting the nets on fire from three since the new year started, so look out for that.

Also of note - no Canadians on the Hornets team as well. Orlando might be safe tomorrow night.

Might.